Live and Let Die

Title: Live and Let Die

Year: 1973.  In the early 70’s, Hollywood finally figured out it wasn’t just white people who went to the movies. Discovering this “new” market of black theater goers producers immediately did what they do best; exploit the “new” audience to advance the bottom line. Hence “Blaxploitation” films like Shaft (1971), Super Fly (1972), and the granddaddy of them all, Melvin Van Peebles Sweet Sweetback’s Baadasssss Song (1971). (Ed. Note, the title of Van Peebles’ film inspired the “Badassness of Villain” category for Blog James Blog.) These films were very much in tune with a slice of racial politics of the time but they also fail to tell the whole story. They are not about the “real” black America as much as they are about what popular cultural was interested in saying about the black experience of the 70’s. This is very different than say Spike Lee’s 80s films, which do show the black experience of Reagan’s America, admittedly in melodramatic terms. The other side of the race coin was wrestled with in films like Walking Tall (1973) and Deliverance (1972). These “redneck fear” stories also take a thin slice of reality and use a wide brush to paint; in case of these two movies, southern whites. The 8^th Bond film takes these conventions, rounds off any edge, and plays black and white stereotypes for laughs. Sometimes it works (the jukebox literally skipping when Bond walks into a Harlem restaurant) and other times it bombs (Sheriff J.W. Pepper). The 70’s “pimp” aesthetic for blacks and bumbling backwoods idiots for whites dates the film some, but the idea of Bond, the world traveler, going places he would never fit in (Harlem, the Louisiana bayou) still plays extremely well. Given the fact that this is a “new” Bond, the concept of doing a fish out water film makes all the scenes in the world.

Film Length: 2 hours and 2 minutes

Bond Actor: Roger Moore. Born in Stockwell, London, in 1927 the son of a policeman, Moore served in the British military during WWII before coming to America and signing a contract with MGM in 1953. By 1962, he became well-known in the UK as Simon Templar on the BBC’s “The Saint.” Suave, extremely handsome, and a true gentleman, Moore became friends with Broccoli and Saltzman who approached him twice about playing Bond. His TV obligation prevented Moore from signing on with EON however he did get to try out the Bond character on a British sketch comedy show “Mainly Millicent.” In the 1964 sketch the comically gifted actor played a tongue in cheek Bond that was not dissimilar from his “official” turn. (The sketch is available on the DVD extras of the Ultimate Edition of Live and Let Die and well worth a watch.) When the third offer came in 1971 Moore was available and became the first Englishman and oldest actor (45) to play 007. When EON recast Bond in 1969, they attempted to make George Lazenby a carbon copy of Connery and even went so far as to not feature the Aussie’s name or face on the first promo posters for On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. By not allowing the Aussie to bring his own take on 007 to table, EON pretty much set him up to fail. EON learned their lesson; no one is going to be Connery, so there is no point in trying. The posters for Live and Let Die declared loudly and boldly “Roger Moore IS James Bond” and EON gave him every opportunity to make the role his own. It’s clear this is a Bond for a new generation from the first time we see him on-screen; walking in the iconic gun barrel … sans hat. Whether you like his take on 007 or not, even Roger Moore’s harshest critics must admit that in this first film of his seven, Moore takes the iconic role and succeed beyond expectations in making it his own. The poster doesn’t lie; Roger Moore is indeed James Bond.

Director: Guy Hamilton. A large number of Bond fans don’t particularly care for Moore’s tongue in cheek take on the character. These dissenting voices should thank the scheduling Gods that Sir Moore was available when considering Hamilton, who helmed three Bond films to this point, lobbied hard for smirking cheese ball Burt Reynolds to take over the role. Surprisingly, Broccoli and Saltzman actually considered his recommendation but even more shocking is the reason Reynolds was turned down. The obvious fact that Burt is American was #2 on EONs list of objections; the first was the opinion that Bond had to be over 6 foot tall. (I could find no reports of a “could Bond sport a mustache” debate, but you have to think it happened.) For a moment, picture a 1973 Burt Reynolds sitting across the desk from M or commanding a baccarat table in Morocco and Moore suddenly looks a whole lot better. As a quick aside, one of the first films I remember falling in love with as a kid that didn’t feature aliens or ray guns was The Cannonball Run (1981). This all-star flick feature Reynolds and Moore, the latter driving the tricked out Aston Martin made famous by Connery. The reference was of course lost on me; I just loved cars crashing into swimming pools and Captain Chaos. But I digress. When Hamilton signed on to direct he embraced the idea of making a new kind of Bond picture for a new Bond. When watching Live and Let Die it’s clear everyone involved wanted a very deliberate break from the past. No SPECTRE, no Blofeld, no Q, no flashy car, no meeting in M’s office, and no martinis, shaken or stirred. Save Bond’s hotel in San Monique, the locations are decided unglamorous and gritty. Bond spends most of the film in black American neighborhoods running in circles he is not 100% sure how to navigate light years away from his comfort zone. The other striking thing about this film is how sure-footed Hamilton’s direction is. While the last film with Connery was a disaster in look, pacing, acting, and pretty much every thing else, this film is much more on par with Hamilton’s Goldfinger (1964). Was he intimated by Connery? Did he go to cinematographer school? Whatever the case, the pacing of this film is much tighter and the three main locations are balanced expertly. Admittedly, he is still on the weak side of Bond directors to date. The speed boat chase in the bayou, while featuring some wonderful moments, is not as well shot as the ski chase in On Her Majesty Secret Service and the third act falls apart. Guy will never make anyone forget Terrence Young but Hamilton brings his “A” game for Moore’s debut and the film is better for it.

Reported Budget: $7,000,000 Estimated

Reported Box-office: $35,377,836 (USA) $126,000,000 (Worldwide) The take in the United States was less than Diamonds Are Forever but the worldwide haul was about 10 million more. This clearly indicates something to someone somewhere for sure.

Theme Song: “Live and Let Die” performed by Paul McCartney and Wings. Considering Connery’s 007 once compared drinking warm Dom Perignon to listing to the Beatles without earmuffs, “It just isn’t done,” the music in Live and Let Die could be seen as exhibit A in the break with Bonds past. Paul (The Cute One) and wife Linda (The Tone Deaf One) teamed up with George Martin (The Adult One) not only for the theme but for the score. Gone for the most part is John Berry’s iconic music, replaced by the horn blasts and descending scales of the epic “Live and Let Die.” The first “rock” song to serve as a Bond theme was a hit in the summer of ’73 sitting at #2 for three weeks in states and hitting #9 in the UK. This tune just kills it and it is not only one of the best Bond themes ever but also one of the best solo McCartney compositions. By the by, I consider myself something of a knowledgeable cat when it comes to the rock and/or roll and I think I have my head around the difference between Wings and McCartney solo. However, in the opening titles for Live and Let Die the “Theme Performed by” credit is listed as Paul McCartney and Wings. WTF? Anyway, the only thing that could ever diminish the power of this truly classic song is Axl Rose.

Opening Titles: As per the usual, the opening credits use naked women and symbolic imagery to broadcast what the film is about. In this case, voodoo women dancing among skulls and fire let us know what is about to come. McCartney’s music push the editing to a faster pace and the flash cuts between a wide-eyed woman’s head and a skull tells us things aren’t always what they first appear and perceptions of reality can change quickly. This theme will serve as the through line of the entire film.

Opening Action Sequence: In another break with tradition, Bond is not seen or even hinted at in the opening sequence. We instead are witness to three murders, the first happening at the UN headquarters in New York. The camera pans several ambassadors listening to a foreign language speech through ear pieces. The British delegate is killed by the oldest trick in the book; switching the white wire with the red wire in the ear piece translation box so an audio tone will cause him to drop dead in seconds….classic. Next we see a CIA man watching a funeral procession in the French Quarter. In one of the better exchanges in any Bond film, the agent turns to a man standing next to him and asks “Whose funeral is it?” “Yours” answers the man as he plunges a knife into the agent’s side. Short, sweet, and freaking awesome. Cooler yet, the funeral procession marches over to the curb and stops when the coffin is directly above the fresh stiff. A trapdoor (the first of many in this film) opens in the bottom of the coffin and the pallbearers simply place the coffin on top of the body. The door then closes and the procession moves on, now in a Mardi Gras like dance. Off to the Caribbean Island of San Monique where we land in the middle of some kind of Vegas review version of a voodoo ceremony where things go from bad to worse for the dude in the linen suit. Not only is he tied to a stake but he’s got a goat head sporting snake charmer waving a green serpent in his face. As the crowed writhes about in a frenzy typically reserved for ecstasy heads at Burning Man the snake does what snakes do and we have our third victim. Talk about a hook to start the film! It not only sets the tone but launches the story with minimal exposition.

Bond’s Mission: We first see the new Bond shirtless, lying in bed, with a woman. “One more time” the lovely lady pleads before the moment is interrupted by a knock at the door. “You’re not married by any chance are you?” ask Moore displaying right off the bat that this is a more self-aware, and yes, light-hearted Bond. The second indication comes when Jimmy B sees his boss at the front door. Connery followed the immortal advice of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy to the letter. But here Moore allows the audience to see Bonds wheels turning as he initially panics then quickly improvises a way to get out of this sticky situation. You see, the woman is the Italian agent Mrs. Crusoe and it would be bad if M finds her in Bond’s bed. 007 goes on to distract his boss every which way he can from making a huge production out of brewing a cup of coffee to demonstrating the magnetic powers of his Rolex Submariner that can deflect bullets at long-range “or so I’m told.” “A theory I rather like to test now” answers M. This scene not only sets up the relationship between M and Bond but it sets the table for the rest of the film, IE Bond in places and situations he (and we) don’t expect to find Bond in. These two men are accustomed to meeting in much more formal settings, never in Bonds home while he wearing his PJ’s. But yes, the mission, M tells Bond they have a croaked ambassador in New York, a stabbed CIA guy in New Orleans, and an agent named Banes snake bit in the Caribbean. “Banes sir? I rather liked Banes, we had the same boot maker.” What links the three? It’s Bonds job to find out.

Villain’s Name: Kananga / Mr. Big. As Kananga, he is the dictator of San Monique, a Caribbean island known for voodoo and poppy production. And as Mr. Big, he is an underground crime lord and restaurateur. Mr. Big tends to be bombastic where Kananga is a man of few words. Just a look from his strong face can convey all that needs to be said. Big Kananga’s empire thrives thanks to a constant flow of information. Via a voodoo tarot card reader, he can see into the future knowing, for instance, that Bond is flying to New York before it happens. News of the present is delivered via radio by an extensive network of cab drivers, shoe shiners, and street people who are more efficient than a Twitter account linked to Foursquare. Bond doesn’t move one city block, enter a store, or hail a cab without Big Kananga knowing about it. Secrete agent indeed.

Villain Actor: Yaphet Kotto who happens to be in two films that loom large in my movie world. The New York City native is actually the son of a Cameroonian crown prince but for me he will always be Harry Dean Stanton’s partner in the classic Alien (1979). If you haven’t seen Alien in a while, do yourself a favor and stick it in the queue. The blacks in this very darkly lit film reveal details I never saw when rewatching on the big flat screen. Kotto is also fantastic as FBI Agent Alonzo Mosely in the hysterical Midnight Run (1988). A serious man, Kotto had some issues with Live and Let Die. According to IMDB he hated the way Kananga was written. “I had to dig deep in my soul and brain and come up with a level of reality that would offset the sea of stereotype crap that Tom Mankiewicz wrote that had nothing to do with the Black experience or culture… the entire experience was not as rewarding as I wanted it to be.” His point is well taken. I found it slightly uncomfortable that every black character in the film, save a token CIA agent who has one scene and is later killed, works for Kananga.  He also was 100% justified when he said the way Kananga dies was a joke. More on that later but its clear Kotto was not thrilled with the film. None the less, he gives a sold performance and is quite menacing which is what we want for a good Bond Villain.

Villain’s Plot: Developing a business model Manuel Noriega would implement 10 years down the road, Kananga uses his dictatorship to become a powerful drug dealer. He controls the poppy fields in San Monique, the processing plants in the swamps of Louisiana, and distribution via his chain of Fillet of Soul restaurants. The game plan is to give away over a billion dollars worth of heroin, gets everyone hooked, put all the other dealers out of business becoming the Ma Bell of dope. Brilliant! And it would have worked too if it wasn’t for that pesky James Bond.

Villain’s Lair: The only thing Big Kananga loves more than information is secret passages. Every building he owns is silly with em, be it elevators hidden behind armoires, lifts that descend into caves under graveyards, or sliding panels that free poisonous reptiles into unwanted guests rooms. For me, the coolest trapdoors are the “spy abducting tables” at Big Kananga’s Fillet of Soul restaurants. When Bond enters the Harlem branch he’s offered a booth. 007 accepts, sits down, orders a bourbon and branch, and pulls out his wallet to pay. As the waiter takes Bond’s cash the booth spins into the wall and is replaced by an identical looking table. The waiter, with Bonds money in one hand, takes a sip from 007’s drink with the other, and walks away as if nothing happened. Meanwhile, Bond finds himself being menaced by a man with a hook for a hand. Bond however is a quick study and when he enters the New Orleans Fillet of Soul he politely declines the booth. “Do you have anything closer to the stage?” As soon as he settles in at a table in the middle of the room the four top is sucked down into the floor where Bond once again finds himself, sans drink, strapped to a chair. Kananga 2, Bond 0. I saw this film at some point in my childhood and for years I would sit in restaurant booths wondering if (and half hoping) the table would spin into the wall and I’d find a secrete passage. As the dictator of San Monique, Kananga pretty much has run of the island but he still hides Mr. Big’s poppy fields under camouflage tarps in the interest of keeping up appearances. He guards the entire thing with gunmen, dart shooting scarecrows and voodoo smoke and mirrors. Kananga, who spends half his life behind a mask, understands that by representing one thing and obscuring another he is once again controlling information. By knowing the lay of the land, Kananga puts his appoint at a huge disadvantage. It’s a shame Bond and Kananga never got to sit at a card table, he seems like one of the few villains who could outplay 007.

Villain’s Coolest Accessory/ Trait: Well, he kind of has it all. An island nation, a drug network running from Harlem to New Orleans, a voodoo cult, a lady who can read the future and a fleet of gas guzzling 70’s cars to die for. The only thing he really lacks is a decent latex mask. The guy just looks weird as Mr. Big and besides, his best asset his is face. Stone cold, calculating, and able to control a room with a single look, it’s silly and counterproductive to cover it up.

Badassness of Villain: The old man sat in a courtyard surrounded by children when he dared to stand up to the ruthless crack kingpin Nino Brown in New Jack City (1991). “You’re killing your own people!” he shouted with such conviction and disgust that Nino paused just for a moment to consider what was said. Deep down Nino knew that after a life of utter evil, keeping his brothers addicted and down would be his worst sin. Kananga, Nino times 100, (Nino controlled a New York City borough, Kananga sits at the UN as a head of state) wouldn’t have reacted to the old man at all. Like any good poker player he knows all the angels, controls all the information, gives nothing away, and if he has to kill his people to win, so be it. But it’s never personal, always business. He commands respect and keeps control by speaking softly, deliberately, and never giving a hint at what’s going on under the hood. This is anti-Nino and a tactic right out of The Don Corleone Playbook  Blofeld loves to take credit for (trying to) take over the world, where as Big Kananga goes about his business quietly and efficiently making him more scary and one of the baadasssssest badass to date. In fact, the only way Bond is able to stop Big Kananga is by destroying his firm control from within; taking Kananga’s girl and literally “ruining” her.

Once this happen, Kananga unravels like a cheap sweater. He shouts, he threatens, and even commits the cardinal Bond villain sin; reveling the grand plan while cackling like a madman. He let it become personal, and it was his downfall. If Bond had not exploited the one chink in Kananga armor, Mr. Big very well may have been the one that got away. Which brings me quickly back to Moore as Bond, who some consider the opposite of badass. Not only is Bond savvy enough to pull of the ultimate (and perhaps only) play to get to Kananga, he too can be stone faced when required. Whether he is about to get his finger chopped off by Tee Hee’s hook or his arm is being cut to with a sharp knife, Bond keeps it close to the chest and even gets in a zinger or two to boot. Badass indeed.

Villain’s Asides/ Henchmen: I love when Bond baddies have some kind of physical deformity like Big Kananga’s #2 Tee Hee. A big, bald, smiling man, Tee Hee lost one of his arms to a crocodile and had it replaced with a powerful vice-like hook.  When Tee Hee confiscates 007’s gun, he bends the barrel and hands the disabled firearm back to Bond who promptly dumps it in the trash bin. Baron Samedi, the voodoo chief of the dead, is played by Geoffrey Holder who is known to some as the Tony Award winning choreographer and director and known to me as the “hahahaha” guy in the old 7up ads. At and imposing 6’6”, Samedi is by far the best looking villain in Bond’s now 11 year history. He strikes an imposing figure whether he is playing his flute in the graveyard (don’t we all do this?) or rising up out of a grave sporting a death cloak, a top hat with blood soaked chicken feathers and a skull painted on his face (now I KNOW we’ve all done that.) The soft-spoken rotund Whisper seems under utilized. Surely there is a place in the operation for a dude who can carry an unconscious Bond under one arm, no? Sadly, he serves as little more than a lackey. Speaking of lackey’s it’s not till the end of the weak third act that we get the generic functionaries who do little more push buttons, turn dials and run around on a set that looks left over from Dr. No (1962).

Bond Girl Actress: “Introducing” Jane Seymour, as she is billed in the opening credits. Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman is saddled with one of the more thankless Bond girl roles. Her only real talent is reading the future and once that’s taken from her she has nothing to do but get dragged around by Bond, get menaced by Kananga, and react in extreme close-ups to sharp toothed animals. It’s interesting to note the role was originally going to go to Dina Ross which is a neat “what if?” especial if you picture Burt Reynolds as Bond. The more in-depth Bond girl role goes to Gloria Hendry who made a name for herself in Blaxploitation films like Across 110^th Street (1972), Black Caesar (1973), and Hell Up in Harlem (1973). (They just don’t name ‘em like they use to)

Bond Girl’s Name: Solitaire. As we indicated above there is little to say about Solitaire other than she is a pawn Bond uses to bring Big Kananga down. In order to communicate with the gods and see the future, Solitaire must remain a virgin. So, Bond gets to getting and once Solitaire is deflowered she is no longer of any use to Kananga. But let us not think too much about the gender politics behind the idea of a woman loosing her power if she sleeps with a man, it will only take away from the guns and fun. Rosie Carver (Gloria Hendry) is a CIA agent who not only has one of the more boring Bond Girl handles but is playing both sides of the fence. She attempts a babe in the woods routine by telling Bond “You’re my second assignment after Banes” (Banes, he of the fang marks in the neck and custom-made footwear) but Bond is onto her rather quickly and strings her along so he can have sex with her as well. Let’s us also try to get past that fact that Rosie is (A) black and therefore (B) must work for the bad guy. Indeed, in a post PC world, the 1970’s come across as a little icky.

Bond Girl Sluttiness: Solitaire is as pure as the driven snow until she walks in to find Bond, in his first violation of the woman, sitting in her chair, thumbing her cards. Not only is it blasphemous for him to handle the deck of tarot cards but Bond sinks even lower by tricking Solitaire into bed. He rigs the deck so it consists of nothing but “The Lover” card. “You truly believe, I mean, really believe in the cards, don’t you?” Dirty pool old man! But its all for the good of King and country and once Solitaire has tasted sweet love, she hot to trot.

Bond Girls Best Pick-up Line: While escaping Kananga’s island via boat Bond asks Solitaire “Where would you like to go?” As she sinks down into a bed tucked away in the cabin she replies “anywhere we can find one of these.” This is one of the worst and least funny lines in the film.

Bond’s Best Pick-up Line: Bond first meets Solitaire when he is captured at the Harlem Fillet of Soul. Bond paces slowly, looking impossibly handsome in his suit and overcoat (Yes, Moore was once very attractive) and delivers a perfect “my name is Bond …(pregnant pause) …James Bond” with a stronger emphases on the James. Solitaire the fortune teller of course knew that already and tells him so. Bond of course now wants to know what’s in store for him. He picks a card and produces “The Lovers.” (why then, did he need to rig the deck later?) He holds up the card, raises his eyebrow and asks Solitaire “us?” and is promptly grabbed by Tee Hee. As he is being dragged out of the room he looks back at Solitaire and says “stay right there, I shant be long.” This is one of the best and funniest lines in the film.

Number of Woman 007 Beds: Three. He works on international relations with the Italian agent Mrs. Crusoe before M rudely interrupts. After Bond ushers his boss out the door he uses his magnetic watch to unzip the agent ladies dress as a prelude to round two. The Rosie courting is quite humors. Bond pulls an old move out of his playbook and is promptly cut off by Rosie who was warned by Felix to look out for such moments. Ahhh, but she is back in Bonds arms in a New York minute after discovering a hat, a symbol of voodoo, in her bedroom. It’s worth noting Rosie becomes the first woman of color who Bond gets to know in the biblical sense unless we want to count Kissy from You Only Live Twice (1967). (That call is up to you dear reader.) After Bond figures out Rosie is a double agent he takes her to a clearing by a stream, has a picnic, and has sex with her. In the afterglow he confronts her by sticking a gun in her face and demanding answers. Calling what she thinks is a bluff Rosie says “You wouldn’t. Not after what we just done” “I wouldn’t kill you before” Bond answers without missing a beat. Now that’s a sexist joke I can get behind.  Finally there is Solitaire, in the bedroom at her mansion (it was after all her first time), in the cabin of a boat and in the sleeping car of a train. Quick, get these two on an airplane and they can hit for the cycle!

Number of People 007 Kills: 6 ½ men, a snake and a crocodile. Moore made it clear he wasn’t so high on the Connery Bond killing without a conscious. Indeed for his first turn as 007 the death count is not only low, but Bond makes it two thirds of the way through the film before punching a hole in his license to kill card. His first victim is a faceless guard who is knocked off a cliff via Bond’s boot swooping in on a hang glider. (Not just his boot you understand, it was on his foot.) At one point Bond is brought to a crocodile farm that doubles as a heroin processing plant. Bond blows up the plant but it appears everyone inside escapes without much problem, everyone that is except one unlucky crock. Bond then jumps into a speed boat and whips around the bayou for a while. The chase ends when Bond pours gasoline on a pursuing boat driver and forces him into a metal barge, both of which go boom. Eventually, Bond has to prepare himself to single-handedly take on about 100 voodoo dudes in order to save the girl from suffering poor old Bane’s fate. The odds are not in our heroes favor and one would think that in order to succeed, he’s going to have to slaughter quite a few baddies. His odds for success look even more dubious when we see Bond hopping over a grave with all the grace of sloth. Seriously, this is Bond and he looked like the grandpa in Willy Wonka when he first gets out of bed (before the dance number of course.) I later learned in my research that Moore injured his leg badly while filming the boat chase and was also suffering severe pain from kidney stones but man, I’ve never seen a more clumsy move by an action star on film. Anyway, the slaughter was not meant to be. In order to grab the girl all Bond had to do was shoot the goat head snake charmer, one other random dude, and a ceramic replica of the voodoo chief of the dead. On his way out Bond does push the real chief of the dead into a coffin full of snakes but this being the voodoo chief of the dead, it’s likely we will see him again. Shazam-ala-kbam, there he is in the final shot, sitting on the front of a train laughing to himself like he just drank a can of the Un-cola. (hence the ½ a man in the body count.)  Loyal readers will know I love trains on film and I was delighted when Bond hops onto the rails. Tee Hee tracks 007 down and confronts him in his private sleeping car. The two men can’t very well punch each other silly with Solitary sitting on the bed so Tee Hee casually flips the hide-away and the lady up into the wall and it’s go time. While the fist-a-cuff don’t come near the Bond/Grant epic on the Orient Express it has its moments and a good amount of stuff is busted up. The fight ends badly for Tee Hee who is tossed out the window, looses his arm, and is assumed to be dead somewhere beside the tracks. It’s also worth noting that at one point Big Kananga bitches at Bond for killing one of the brothers in Harlem but we never see it happen so either Big was misinformed or there is some long-lost footage on the cutting room floor. While Moore may have wanted Bond to go easier on the human population her has no problem barbecuing reptiles. Besides the aforementioned crock he also torches a snake with a cigar and an aerosol can.

Most Outrageous Death/s: A disturbing trend of dropping the ball when it comes to the demise of the main villain is developing in the Bond series at this point and Live and Let Die maybe the most egregious offender yet. After an all too brief knife fight between Kananga and Bond the two fall into the villain’s shark tank, basically a pool in his lair. Big Kananga’s underground hideout, by the by, is an extreme disappointment. After all the care taken to make 90% of the locations live and breathe like real places, Kananga’s base of operations literally feels like producers took the Dr. No set, threw in the piranha tank from Blofeld’s hideout in You Only Live Twice, stuck a leather couch in the corner and called it day. Anyway, the “shark tank” is ridiculous in and of itself but Bond then takes a pellet from his shark gun and forces Kananga to swallow it. Since we saw what the compressed air bullet did to the leather sofa not 30 second before, we expect Kananga to explode. Instead, he blows up like a balloon at the Macy’s Thanksgiving parade and flies up the ceiling before becoming one thousand tinny tiny bites. Even thought this happened not four feet from Solitaries head (so she would have been covered with a good portion of the tinny tiny Mr. Big bites) the script still has her ask “what happened to Kananga?” to which Bond answers “He always did have an inflated opinion of himself.” Forget the bad pun, Bond doesn’t even answer the question. Kotto hated the way he died and I have to agree 110%. In fact, the entire third act of this film is kind of a bummer. Outside of the fight on the train nothing that happens lives up to the truly well done first bit of the film.

Miss. Moneypenny: Sigh. After that bit of anger I need Miss. Moneypenny to help me relax and put a smile on my face. In her brief appearance she demonstrates instant chemistry and sharp comic timing with her new leading man. Arriving at Bond’s place with M, she quickly figures out Bond is hiding a bird. Once she knows the score, she becomes a co-conspirator in keeping Mrs. Crusoe’s presence unknown to M. In the end Bond thanks her and she simply smiles. As heroically selfless as ever, Miss Moneypenny is smarter, savvier, a much more helpful than any other woman Bond encounters in the film.

M: M has a stick way up his ass and it’s a perfect counter balance to the fly by his paints Moore in the Mrs. Crusoe scene. M looks upon Bond with a bit of disgust and wonder as if to say “How is it that THIS man is our best agent?” As I mentioned before this early scene is a perfect self-contained bit of business using well-timed innuendo and pitch perfect sideways glances to set the stage for this and following Moore films. I always thought of M as kind of a drag when I was kid but the more I see what Bond puts him through, not to mention the immense responsibility that comes with his job, I’ve kind of grown the admire the character.

Q: In researching these entries, I find the Special Edition DVD’s to be a wealth of information. One thing I’ve found rather shocking is it seems like for every film at least one person from the production team talks about how “this time we wanted to cut back on the gadgets.” Has there ever been a bigger misreading of an audience? While bad gadgets are not what anyone wants (We are looking at you Little Nellie) the idea that Bond fans don’t dig a suit case Swiss army knife or a rocket shooting Aston Martin is way off. This is a film that has trapdoors and secret passages all over; I would have loved to see some Q trickery as well. Alas, as part of the effort to rebrand Bond, Desmond Llewelyn and his gadget guru Major Boothroyd were left on the bench, a move that caused such a backlash that Llewelyn would appear in every following Bond film up to his death in 1999. Consequently, the Q in the film stands for Quarrel Jr., the son of the trusted Quarrel from Dr. No and a man who shares Bond’s hairbrush (Is that an English thing that I don’t get?) I love the spy film staple of a first seemingly foolish local (we meet Quarrel Jr. lazily sleeping on the job) reveling himself to be an all important fixer. Quarrel Jr. is every bit as resourceful as his father. His boat becomes Bond’s base of operations while working in San Monique and he even brings Bond ashore on a beach front that looks identical to the one his father took Bond onto back in 1962. Quarrel Jr. also inherited his fathers superstitious pointing out areas of the island he refuses to go. Perhaps he wants to avoid the fire-breathing dragon that did in his old man.

List of Gadgets: In the now ridiculously over covered (by me) Mrs. Crusoe scene M starts bitching about the budget when Bond puts on his Rolex. In the absents of Q Bond is left to explain the gadget, a watch equipped with a magnet so strong it can pull spoons across the room, change the path of on coming bullets and even comes in handy in the off label task of unzipping a woman’s dress. One of my favorite images from the film features Bond standing alone on a small sandbar surrounded by crocks. (He became stuck out there thanks to a retractable bridge, yet another “trapdoor”). Thinking quickly, Bond sees a canoe with metal oar locks on the opposite shore and uses the watch to pull to boat to him. This brief moment of hope is quick squashed when he see the boat is in fact tied to a tree. It’s nice to sometimes see Bond fall short and have to come up with a plan B. I prefer Swiss Army gadgets; one thing that has several functions as opposed to specialized toys that perform hyper-specific task and the watch qualifies as one of the former. It has a mini-circular saw useful for cutting through rope when ones hands are bound. It also, one assumes, tells 007 the time of day and the date. I also truly enjoyed the shaving kit that includes a radio, a tape recorder and an extremely helpful bug finder. Simple and effective. Bond also has a parasail that attaches to the back of Quarrel’s fishing boat. When the moment is right Bond detaches and flies though the night sky making his way onto the island. The last toy of note is the shark gun that shoots compressed air bullets, good for blowing up sharks, sofas, and evil dictators.

Gadgets/British Government Property Bond Destroys: Perhaps because of M’s budget issues or maybe because Q doesn’t have the opportunity to give Bond anything very little of the Queens property is lost. Bond manages to keep the watch intact and sacrifices only a wetsuit. I also assume the hang glider was unceremoniously dumped somewhere on the island.

Other Property Destroyed: Ahh, 007 may have protected his own gear but when it comes to trashing American stuff, Bond displays his typical zeal. At one point, for no reason other than to shoot a scene at an airport, Bond jumps into a student plane occupied by an elderly Mrs. Bell. Bond never takes off but taxis the small two seat craft all over the place while destroying half the airport. For those keeping score at home, it’s worth noting that the sweet old Mrs. Bell delivers the Bond films first profanity with a perfectly timed “Oh shit.” Also in New Orleans, Bond blows up a backwoods heron lab (how 70’s, today it would have been a meth shack) before jumping into a speed boat. The ensuing chase is one of the more ambitions sequences I think I’ve ever seen attempted. Boats not only race in the river but jump roadways and slide across embankments and other stretches of land causing Bond to disables one boats and jump into another. While driving this boat Bond jumps over a road while the boat in pursuit lands on a mess of police cars. Without the convenience of CGI, the producers need to actually do the jump, a 110 foot launch that land them in Guinness Book of World Records for the longest jump of a boat. Bond also smashes through bunch of boats at a road block (river block?) and causes yet another to explode. Pursuing boats end up in a swimming pool and destroy a wedding cake. And then there are the dozen or so cop cars that end up in piles on the roadway. He also leaves some automobile wreckage on the FDR in Manhattan and takes out a bunch more cop cars in San Monique. The last cop car is disabled when Bond decapitates a double-decker bus on a low clearance bridge. 70’s films do love to pile up cars. 007 also blows up an entire poppy field, takes out most of the fixtures in his sleeping car, and breaks a rather life like ceramic statue of Baron Samedi likeness. Finally, he manages to destroy Solitaire by sleeping with her.

Felix Leiter: David Hedison. As readers of Blog James Blog know, Felix has become (with reason) my favorite punching bag. In the past, the CIA man has been useless at best and a mission destroying liability at worst. But what has happened here? It’s as if good old Felix drank some kind of magic elixirs between films and reinvented himself as the Wolf from Pulp Fiction (1994) Right off the bat, Felix squares things with the NYPD after Bond is in the middle of pile up containing a dead body. Unlike Felix of the past, he doesn’t need to be told what to do “Get me on the next flight to San Monique,” “I already booked your ticket.” He works the phone to calm an irate Mr. Bleaker, the owner of the flight school 007 trashed. “No one is questioning you’re patriotism Mr. Bleaker.” Felix even works his magic with Sheriff Pepper who was prepared to lock Bond up from now till the end of time. I mean, compared to the past, Felix is simply amazing. Sure, he drops the ball on the Rosie front, assigning her to Bond without knowing she was a double agent but this is the first Felix to earn is pay check. Perhaps that’s why Hedison is the only actor to play the role who gets a call back; he will be Felix once more is License to Kill (1989). Save Moore playing Bond, the Felix makeover is the biggest piece in reimaging the franchises.

Best One Liners/Quips: There are so many (“Banes, I rather liked Banes, we had the same boot maker,” “I once had a bad turn in a booth,” “What shall we drink to? How about an earthquake”) but the line that gave me the biggest laugh is delivered when Bond first meets Rosie. She goes into her bedroom to find a miniature hat adorned with bloody feathers sitting on her bed. She freaks out, screaming it’s a voodoo symbol of death. Bond consoles her saying “Why it’s just hat darling, belonging to a small headed man of limited means who lost a fight with a chicken.”

Bond Cars: Bond doesn’t get his own set of wheels in this one but cars none-the-less are a big part of the film. From the get go the Caddies on New York’s FDR drive establish a specific time and place. They are, to paraphrase Mr. Fred Schneider, as big as a whale. Add the sideburn sporting cabbie right out of central casting (not to mention his movie perfect checker taxi) and the bubble gum lights on top of the cop cars and you’ve got a snapshot of the early 1970’s USA. Bond does get to drive a nifty beach jeep and a beat-up double-decker bus that handles the dirt roads of San Monique (really Jamaica) like a Trans-Saharan race buggy. This thing swings a 180, out maneuvers half the police force and finishes off the rest of after a deception at a low bridge. (No point in trying to explains it, it must be seen, and it’s pretty damn cool.) Finally there is that little incident with the Bleaker School of Flying single prop plane.

Bond Timepiece: Rolex Submariner. At first glances …. but look closer, it slices, it dices and if you order now we will throw in a set of poison darts for free! Kananga is so impressed he even takes it from Bond at one point, inspects it, and gives it back; a fatal mistake on is part. The Rolex was a welcome sight after I got a timepiece panic attach at the top of the film. When we first meet Bond in bed he checks his watch to see it’s 5 in the morning when M comes calling. His watch is a cheep looking digital deal with big old red numbers that looks like came out of a cracker jack box. Were digital watches some kind of big deal in 1973? This thing was just tacky, far too tacky for 007.

Other Notable Bond Accessories: Our favorite spy has become a cigar smoker. And not those fat Tony Soprano jobs, these dudes are long and skinny like a candle sticks. I’ve seen it written that as part of his contract Moore had unlimited cigars while making the Bond films and if that is the case then good on you mate! He even puffs away on one of those bad boys while being pulled on a hang glider behind a powerboat. Rock star! Not nearly as cool are the rip away pants he displays after landing said glider. Connery at the top of Goldfinger he is not. Bond also apparently prefers baths to showers.

Number of Drinks 007 Consumes: 3, but he wanted more. Martini are out as Bourdon is this Bond’s drink of chose in yet another break from the previous imagining of the character. Sadly, poor Bond doesn’t get to enjoy his first whisky as he is spun into the wall before he gets served. Bond gets a bottle of Bollinger from room service and more champagne can be seen in the background at the Rosie picnic. His second bourdon (no ice) also never makes it to his lips due to the Fillet of Soul table tricks…or is it trick tables? But 007 doesn’t go thirsty thanks to Kananga’s hospitably in his under ground hideout. However Solitaire failed to let Big know Bond has switched his drink and 007 is served a clear beverage in a martini glass which I assume was a martini. I have no idea how it was prepared, how dry it was, or if it was made with vodka or gin.

Bond’s Gambling Winnings: Bond doesn’t get to play any games for money but he makes the inexcusable mistake of trying to teach a card reading fortune teller how to play gin rummy.  Needless to say, he is hustled and roundly beaten. Being Bond, he takes it in stride, “Well, you know what they say, unlucky in cards…” he quips as the pull-out bed is produced from the wall.

List of Locations: New York, New York, New Orleans, Louisiana and the Caribbean island of San Monique which was actually Ian Fleming’s beloved Jamaica. If I’m not mistaken this is the first time Bond is doesn’t set foot on European soil, although we should perhaps assume his home in the opening is somewhere in England.  In the past Hamilton films, locations fell flat, but not here. From the moment Bond hails a cab at Kennedy airport in my home borough of Queens, New York is milked for all its gritty 70’s charm. Shots of the FDR, Central Park, Upper Eastside store fronts and bombed out back allies of Harlem simply reek of realism. I appreciate any film maker who can avoid cliché skyline shots of the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty, and the Brooklyn Bridge and Live and Let Die avoids all that. Hamilton does however embrace another New York movie stereotype that I happen to love, the old “follow that cab” bit. Has anyone ever said this in real life? Despite the fact that we only see one street corner New Orleans, the French Quarter and its classic balconies are as perfectly captured as Manhattan. The bayou serves as a great back drop to the boat chase as well as the crock farm. About that crock farm, I just assumed, dumb Yankee that I am, that the crock farm was made up for the movie. After all, who would want to have a crock farm and to what purpose? It turns out that the farm was written in after producers found the real reptile sanctuary in Louisiana. While scouting the area producers came across a sign that said “Trespassers Will Be Eaten” (the sign is featured in the film) and when the explored further (clearly ignoring the warning) they found Ross Kananga and his 1000 or so sharp teethed friends. The producers fell in love with this madman of the swamps and not only named the villain after him but wrote in his alligator zoo. They even gave him a bit in the film. When Bond has to get off a sandbar surrounded by dozens of alligators and crocodiles he jumps on four gators heads, like they were rocks, to get to the shore. I once again assumed the animals were fake and this stunt was shot on a back lot somewhere. No, not the case. The alligators are in fact real and tied to the bottom of the pond at there feet so they don’t swim away. Ross Kananga volunteered to perform the stunt and it took five tries for him to get over with out slipping and nearly getting himself eaten. They have footage of all five takes on the special edition DVD and between this and the 1964 Moore as Bond comedy sketch, this DVD is worth seeking out. The most exotic place Bond finds himself is his hotel in San Monique. In real life the exteriors where the Vegas voodoo routine happens is The Ruins Restaurant and the lodging bit is the San Souci Hotel, both in Jamaica. As they did in Dr. No the jungles, lagoons and dirt roads of Jamaica work perfectly to let use know Bond is somewhere exotic and dangerous.

Bonds Special Abilities Displayed: To get things rolling, Bond reviles that he is a skilled barista who can whip-up a perfect double half skim café mocha nut fudge Venti at a moments notice. When Rosie busts into his room with her gun drawn he pegs her immediately “custom .38 Smith and Wesson corrugated 3 inch stock, no serial number standard CIA issue.” He also shows some skill with a cigar and aftershave when it comes to cooking rattler. He relieves Big Kananga of his knife without much effort and makes like Pitfall on some crock heads which you would think comes across as cheesy but I swear it works. Then there is the ever expanding list of vehicles Bond can drive without even thinking twice. Here he navigates (while smoking) a parasail that detaches and becomes a hang glider, a double-decker bus (expertly spun on dirt roads), a small plane (just on the ground) and two speedboats that he can control whether they be in the water, on land, or in the air.

Thoughts on Film: In 1975, Saturday Night Live was one of the hottest shows on the plant and the original Not Ready for Primetime Players were rock starts, the biggest of which was Chevy Case. At then end of the first season Case left the show to pursue his film career (Stop! Why are you laughing?) At the time, there were cries from all corners that the show would never survive the loss of its best know cast member and the “new” guy who came in to replace Chase was universally hated before he even hit the stage.  But, after four years on the show, Bill Murray was no longer the new guy, had become beloved by all, and went on to have a slightly more successful run of movies than Case. Also in 1975, Mick Taylor was replaced by Ron Wood as the “Not Keith” guitarist in The Rolling Stones. Again, questions were raised about the bands ability to carry on. In 2010, 35 years later, Wood is still seen as the “new guy” in some circles, and the Stones never repeated the run of classic records they produced with Taylor. The point, it’s never ever easy to replace a legend and some people can do it (Murray) and others, for one reason or another, are just never totally accepted by the fans (Wood). In 1973 Moore had the impossible task of replacing the guy who WAS James Bond, so much so that EON gave away the farm in 1971 to get him back for one more film, a film that generally sucked. Forgetting for a moment the six films that follow and focusing on this one, Moore is successful. No, he will never make anyone forget Sean but he is funny, witty, good-looking, and most important, very different from Connery while keeping true to the soul of the character, no easy trick The best word to describe a Bond film to someone who has never seen one is big; big sets, bigger set pieces, huge laughs, expensive wardrobes, exotic locations, larger than life villains and impossibly beautiful sophisticated women. Many actors would get lost under all of that and generally, when you see a crap action film, that’s exactly what went wrong. It’s not easy to stand in the eye of a special effects driven Hollywood blockbuster. Add the pumping George Martin theme and several over the top villains (one actually named Mr. Big) and Moore is rise to the highest demanded by the role and keep everything anchored at the same time. Connery did the same exact thing, but where Sean used his cool to keep everything grounded, Moore uses his humor. And don’t make the assumption that “funny” means “light:” like the swamps of the bayou, Live and Let Die has a ton of life just below the surface. Mel Brooks famously attacked racism in Blazing Saddles (1974) by pushing stereotypes to their logical (and hysterical) conclusion. If you can laugh at something, you take away its power. I’m not suggesting this film is anywhere near as good as the Brooks classic but this movie goes deeper than any previous Bond film into controversial subject matter. Beyond the now well covered race angles the drug plot line serves to bring Bond closer to contemporary thorny issues. But I don’t want to make it sound like this is some kind of “message” film, it’s Bond after all and the first two thirds are a fantastic ride containing most of the elements we want from 007 movies. (I missed Q.) Live and Let Die is also a return to form for Hamilton who seemed to be mailing it in on Diamonds Are Forever (1971).He uses the Bond as a stranger in a strange land theme as well as visual cues like voodoo hats, trapdoors and gritty locations to form a connective tissue that keeps the film together as a whole. And while the boat chase is a little silly and the third act kind of falls apart,, this is a much more sold film than Connery’s last two efforts, which brings us back to Rodger Moore. I love how he calls everyone darling, I love how he lets us see the gears turning in Bond’s head, and I love the way he delivers “Bond, James Bond” with a pregnant pause. Connery will always be king, but Moore delivers the goods in a truly fun and exciting entry into the Bond franchise.

Martini ratings: Ed Note: After some thought, BlogJamesBlog is amending the rating to better reflect where Live and Let Die lives in the James Bond cannon. I made a mistake (4 glasses), it is now corrected. (12/8/10)

Diamonds Are Forever

Title: Diamonds Are Forever

Year: 1971. Nine years after Bond first hit the big screen, the series was in crises. 1969’s On Her Majesty’s Secret Service was the weakest performing Bond film in terms of box-office to this point. Worse still, by 1971 the suave globetrotting superspy was beginning to feel dated.  In the new decade, a new kind of cop hit the big screen; a gritty, hard nosed, no nonsense, working class American. Two of the years biggest films were The French Connection (1971) and Dirty Harry (1971), staring Gene Hackman as Jimmy “Poppy” Doyle and Clint Eastwood as “Dirty” Harry Callahan respectively. Both films have zero glamour and feature heroes with even less. They are anti-Bonds. Bond drinks to relax, these men drink to forget. They live in one room apartments, eat stale sandwiches while standing in the rain, drive shitty cars and live in a world void of any sexuality. They are willing to kill (a fact that got Eastwood’s Dirty Harry labeled a fascist by some critics) but unlike Bond, they don’t have the legal cover of a double O. These men share Bond’s world weariness and cynicism but enjoy not one bit of their work. And it is work. Bond enjoys himself while always staying above the villain, one step ahead and better dressed to boot. Harry and Poppy are below the bad guy, crawling around in the same muck, slithering on the same filthy streets, always a few steps behind. All three agents are obsessively driven to get…their…man. But Bond always knows the score, 100% sure of what he’s doing and why. Poppy and Harry, by playing on the same field as the villain, sometimes forget what side they are on, or even why they are after this guy in the first place. Dose it even matter to them? Harry and Poppy take the “man on a mission” story arch and turn it into a dark obsession right at home in Viet Nam/ Nixionain “Law and Order” America. That said, while the greater film going audience may have been drawn to the realism of the New York and San Francisco based cops, the darker On Her Majesty Secret Service showed Bond fans preferred good old fashioned escapism. So, for the seventh entry, Broccoli and Saltzman bucked current trends and returned to what works. And with that, Bond, clad in a tux and sipping a martini, took one look at Harry and Poppy Doyle, shook his head, climbed into to his Aston Martin, and peeled out of the lot, leaving the two sad sacks covered in his dust.

Film Length: 2 Hours

Bond Actor: Sean Connery. In 1961, Connery was an unknown son of an Edinburgh mill worker. According to Playboy, he left school at 13 and drifted from job to job working as a coffin polisher, a lifeguard, a seaman, an artist’s model, a welterweight boxer, and a printer’s apprentice. Young Sean was trying to make a go at it as professional soccer player when he got a gig with the road-company production of “South Pacific” for $35 a week. Bitten by the bug he began studying drama. It wasn’t long before he was winning roles in Shakespearean productions, BBC television films, and the feature The Longest Day (1962). Needless to say, when Albert Broccoli and Cubby Saltzman signed Connery on for Dr. No (1962) no one knew where it would lead.  Five films later, Connery was one of the biggest stars on the planet and EON had a license to print money. Connery walked, and 007 carried on with George Lazenby. When Lazenby also gave Bond the kiss off, United Artist and EON embarked on a campaign to save the franchise. The #1 priority; bring Connery back. The stormy courtship was not unlike the annual late summer brew-ha-ha surrounding the resigning Brett Favre. It took UA president David Picker flying to England before Connery would agree to one more film. Still seething about how things were left after You Only Live Twice (1967), a 41 year old Connery agreed to star in Diamonds are Forever for an unprecedented $ 1.25 million, plus 12.5% of the films take. But this wasn’t just about a huge payday. Just like Favre went to the Vikings (via the Jets) to say F you to his former employer, Connery saw an opportunity to stick it to Broccoli. Not only did he put a huge dent in EON’s bottom line, once Connery got the money he turned around and donated it all to the Scottish International Education Trust, an organization he’d founded to aid Scottish students. This was the ultimate F you, the former coffin polisher very publicly saying I’ll take you money, but I don’t need it … and I don’t need James Bond. To underline the point, when asked if he would make yet another Bond film, Connery famously answered “never again.”

Director: Guy Hamilton. For his second go at Bond, the Goldfinger (1964) director made like Heath Ledgers Joker and asked “Why so serious?” His goal was to “go for the fun” and make the picture more “broad.” While the tongue firmly planted in cheek approach to Goldfinger worked wonderfully, the results here were decidedly muddy. Indeed, the light tone of Goldfinger remained intact but little things like plot, pacing and shot composition and acting were sacrificed. Hamilton was quoted at the time as saying “You don’t tell Sean Connery how to play James Bond.” Fair enough, but the enterprise would have been help along considerably if he did guide his actors instead of taking a paint by numbers approach right out of the George Lucas school of directing. That is, to have actors stand in place, say their lines, and worry more about the special effects going on around them.

Reported Budget: $7,200,000 estimated. Considering $1,250,000 went to Connery, that leaves 6 million for, you know, making a movie. This was the skimpiest Bond budget in years and it shows in the final product.

Reported Box-office: $43,819,547 (USA) $116,000,000 (Worldwide). Though made for 2 million less than You Only Live Twice the take was on par with Connery’s last Bond and significantly more than its predecessor, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service. You don’t need a MI6 intelligence report to figure out EON spent the $1.25 million plus 12.5% wisely. Audiences proved more than willing to fork over their hard earned $1.65 to watch Connery’s return to the role that made him famous.

Theme Song: “Diamond’s Are Forever.” Forget Connery being back, Shirley Bassey has returned!! Without further ado …

OK, not as great as Gold FINNNGGER! but the rolling refrain “Diamonds are forever, forever, forever…” was catchy enough to provide the irresistible hook for Kanye West’s 2005 protest song “Diamonds From Sierra Leon.”

Opening Titles: The credits feature naked women clad only in …diamonds. Shot in a soft focus with diamonds reflecting disco ball flares of light at the camera the entire thing feels like a 70’s porno. A porno that features Blofeld’s diamond collar sporting cat wandering around and peering out from under a women’s bent leg not unlike Dustin Hoffman in the poster for The Graduate (1967).

Opening Action Sequence: Continuity is a strange thing in the Bond universe. Sometimes, certain story lines carry over from film to film. But for the most part, save the relationships between Bond, M, Q and Moneypenny, each film hits the reset button. Judging by the popularity and staying power of the series, most fans are fine with this arrangement. It also helps in no small way avoiding pitfalls that would come up after 22 films over 40 some odd years. But the Blofeld storyline was one that had loose play though in the past few films. So, when this movie opens with Bond literally spanning the globe barking “Where’s Blofeld!” at everyone he encounters, 1971 audiences can be forgiven for flashing back to the last image they saw of Bond; that of a broken 007 holding his dead wife in his arms, killed by Blofeld. The first shot of this film shows a faceless Bond throwing a man through walls in Japan, then smacking a fez wearing gambler in Cairo, and finally walking onto a beach where we see his face for the first time. “Hello, I’m Bond, James Bond” he says right before strangling a woman with her bikini top, “Something to get off your chest?” Bond is on the war path and he finally tracks his wife’s killer down in an underground spa or something. There are mud baths, gun tooting baddies (taken out by drowning in the vomit like mud) and knife wielding surgeons (dispatch thanks to Bonds knife throwing skills and a mouse trap like gadget in his holster.) Bond even manages to overpower Blofeld and launch his arch enemy into a bath of boiling mud from which #1 does not emerge. “Welcome to hell Blofeld” and with that, Bond has avenged his wife. However, Diamonds Are Forever wants to have its cake and eat too. Later in the film when Bond learns he killed one of several Blofeld imposters he expresses a moment of shock, but the Charles Bronsen Death Wish (1974) revenge for his wife is nowhere to be found. This is just one of many times the movie introduces an idea, storyline, or plot point only to drop it before it even gains traction.

Bond’s Mission: With Blofeld out of the way, Bond is reassigned, tasked with break-up a diamond smuggling ring. 007 is not happy and less interested, rolling his eyes and openly showing contempt while M tries to explain the entire operation. The truth is, it doesn’t matter what’s happening. All the viewer needs to know is summed up by Mr. Wint, one of the two assassins in the film, “Curious how everyone who touches those diamonds dies.” Indeed, the dentist who delivers the diamonds to Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint blows up in a helicopter, the old lady school teacher who smuggles the loot from South Africa to Amsterdam ends up in the canal, the Vegas comedian Shady (a poor mans Henny Youngman) gets wacked in his dressing room after he receives a delivery, etc. This is all handle quickly and without much thought, the only purpose is getting Bond to Las Vegas, the distention of the diamonds and the main location of the film. Bond inserts himself into the chain of events by impersonation Peter Franks, the courier who is to smuggle the diamonds from Amsterdam to Los Angles. After getting a lift to a Vegas funeral home and avoiding his own demise in a funeral pyre, Bond eventually tracks down the man pulling the strings behind the scenes.

Put your hands on your hips!

Villain’s Name: Ernst Stavro Blofeld. Whaaaa! I thought he was dead? How did he get to Vegas? Perhaps he did the “Time Warp” … again? After all, it’s just a jump to the left …

Villain Actor: Charles Gray. The character actor who claimed he never watched the midnight cult smash The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975) was also in Connery’s last Bond picture playing 007’s man in Japan Mr. Henderson. For this turn he flipped sides to play a Blofeld who is quite a departure from the previous #1’s in several ways, not the least of which is a full head of silver hair. When it became clear plastic surgery was going to be part of the plot, I thought perhaps the screenwriters came up with an interesting way to explain the SPECTRE baddie’s new look. However it soon became apparent that purpose of the surgery was to make more people look like Blofeld, not the other way around. There’s that damn continuity thing again.

Villain’s Plot: Something involving diamonds smuggled out of South Africa so #1 can use them to build a space laser. To accomplish this, Blofeld impersonates multi-millionaire Willard Whyte and uses his business as a front. The reclusive casino owner Whyte (a character based on Cubby Broccoli’s close friend Howard Hughes who himself had invested in several Vegas hotels in the early 70’s hadn’t been seen in public in years. Blofeld simply locks the guy up and waltz into his office. “Who’s going to miss someone who hasn’t been seen in years?” Thanks to a nifty voice box that gives him a Dallas oil tycoon twang, Blofeld is able to run the Whyte empire in his preferred management style; sitting behind a desk with his best friend on his lap while barking orders into a microphone. Once the bling encrusted space gun is launched Blofeld will have control of the most powerful weapon in the world and he can then hold an “international auction with nuclear supremacy going to the highest bidder.” In his 1971 review of the film, Roger Ebert argues that this plot is nearly impossible to follow, but then decides it dose’s really matter. “The point in a Bond adventure is the moment, the surface, what’s happening now. The less time wasted on plot, the better.”  I struggle with this. On one lev el, yes. As an audience we want to see Bond kicking ass, getting the girl and the bad guy, and not breaking a sweat while doing so. However, when the story isn’t the driving force of the action, or at least a frame work behind the action, the action feels hollow. It becomes a Michael Bay film where we are meant to just ohhh and ahhh at the spectacle. I think Bond films are smarter and better than that, at least the good one are. Speaking of Michael Bay, whom I give credit for very little outside of trying to destroy film, I must admit the man knows how to make things go BOOM real good. Saying the explosions in Diamonds Are Forever look amateur is being chartable. And it has nothing to do with special effects available at the time, the helicopter exploding in From Russia with Love (1963) and the boat in Thunderball (1965) are on par with, if not better than, anything in Transformers 1, 2, or 18. Back to Blofeld’s diabolical plan, it does raise a question. Why not just kill Mr. Whyte and continue playing the role of the reclusive millionaire? #1 could simply use all those plastic surgeons that seem to be hanging around to “become” Willard Whyte and live out life free of Bond in the lap of luxury. Maybe Blofeld just isn’t happy unless he’s holding the entire world at gun point. Or, as Ebert would say while shaking his head “because then there wouldn’t be a movie, would there jackass?” Sorry Roger, the less time wasted thinking about the plot the better.

Villain’s Lair: Since he has a multi-million dollar cooperation under his control, Blofeld has several places to hang his hat. Mr. Willard Whyte has his hand in many pots, but it appears he built his empire on oil and indeed the climatic action sequence takes place on a deep-ocean oil rig. This couldn’t make me happier as it continues the proud tradition of making Blofeld the face of evil by 2010 standards. He was the corrupt banker in From Russia With Love, a terrorist backing nuclear proliferation in Thunderball, a chicken loving chemical warfare terrorist in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service and here, a BP executive. Additionally, Blofeld operates out of the penthouse suite of the Willard Whyte Hotel which in real life was the Las Vegas Hilton. Throughout the 1970’s that very penthouse would serve as Elvis’s home away from Graceland, a gilded cage from which the king would descend twice a night to perform, while spending the rest of his time popping pills in desperate loneliness. Outside of town right next to the shallow grave Joe Pecci ended up in in Casino (1995) is Wtecronics. This sprawling complex of warehouses contains, among other things, the set that was used to fake the Apollo Moon landings. It also provides an excuse to bring back the tacky sets that were mercifully jettison in On Her Majesty Secret Service.

Villain’s Coolest Accessory/ Trait: Blofeld is all about hiding and ducking in this go around. He is able to buy himself cover using a mud-bath filled spa where plastic surgeons churn out Blofeld doppelgangers. #1 is also not above dressing in drag to avoid his arch nemeses. I also very much enjoyed the plastic cigarette holder, not to mention the cool voice box that enables Blofeld to become Whyte. Finally, the cat becomes more than just a prop in this film. Not only does the kitty get to wear a diamond necklace that would make Lady Di jealous but the long haired feline is instrumental in pivotal Bond/Blofeld showdown. Way to go kitty!

Badassness of Villain: On one level, Blofeld is ruthless. Much like Jimmy Conway in Goodfellas (1990) kills everyone attached to the Lufthansa heist, Blofeld makes sure that everyone who can trace the stole diamond to him is taking out of the picture. However, after the Golden Greek’s action oriented Blofeld of the last film, this exposition spouting Blofeld comes across as a little flat.

Villain’s Asides/ Henchmen: We first meet assassins Mr. Kidd and Mr. Wint playing with a scorpion, much like the children in the opening shoot of Peckinpah’s classic The Wild Bunch (1969). Mr. Kidd, he of the strangest hairline in the history of cinema, is played by Putter Smith. Smith is an accomplished bass player who worked with everyone from Thelonious Monk to Phil Spector to the Beach Boys. Mr. Wint, his partner in crime (and other things) is played by Bruce Glover, father to Chrispin Glover of Marty McFly fame and star of one of my favorite 80’s film, River’s Edge (1986). These two complete each others puns and clichés while making sure that “everyone who touches the diamonds dies.” For example, when they stick Bond in a coffin and roll the box into a furnace, the two yammer one eye rolling line after another. “Moving, Mr. Kidd” “Heart warming, Mr. Wint” “A glowing tribute” and so on.  They are also lovers. The idea of a homosexual couple working together as killers for hire is fascinating but Diamonds plays the relationship for laughs in yet another example the film dropping the ball to do something more. The minions that guard Wtecronics look like members of “CHiPs” with W armbands and the oil rig henchmen look like Playschool People. Then, there are the mafia thugs. A note about how director Guy Hamilton, who clearly never set foot on Mulberry Street, sees Italian Americans. Much like the gangsters in his last Bond film Goldfinger, these mobsters are out of some 1940’s film that I’m not sure ever really existed. Not only do they look like the baddies from The Triplets of Belleville (2003) but when they open their mouths things like “ids a muc smoter ride in frnt Mr Franks” and “Hey, I got a bruta” come out of their mouths.

Guy Hamilton Mobsters

Bond Girl Actress: Jill St. John. The former child actress turned jet setter girlfriend to Frank Sinatra, Sean Connery and eventual husband Robert Wagner has the distinction of being the first American Bond girl. The word “sexy” doesn’t do this woman justice. So hot is Mrs. St. John that even Mr. Kidd points out she is good looking “for a girl I mean.” (This comment draws a look for Mr. Wint which is one of the funniest moments in the film.) When Connery first meets St. John in her apartment, the two actors engage in a fascinating dance. While overtly flirting the two try to read each others tells with the goal of sussing out where the other party stands. Sadly, after starting of with such a spark, the rest of the time St. John is on screen is nothing but fizzle. When Guy Hamilton said “One of the rules with the Bond pictures is that you’re not allowed to have a leading lady who can act – because we can’t afford them…” he clearly had Jill St. John in mind. She a looker, but not much in the line reading department.

Bond Girl’s Name: Tiffany Case, who in her first scene changes outfits and hair color more than Lady Gaga.  “Weren’t you a blond when I came in?” Bond asks. “Could be…” “I tend to notice little things like that, weather a girl is a blond or a brunet.” “And which do you prefer?” “Providing the collar and cuff match…” shrugs Connery. For this scene, it seems Bond may have met his match. She is using sexuality, one of Bonds few weakness, to get a read on the situation. Bond is naturally one step ahead, but Case had an opportunity to be another Pussy Galore or Domino Derval, a Bond girl who could hang. However, Tiffany quickly becomes the dumb, shrieking pain in the ass that is afraid to pick up a gun fearing she may break a nail. She even goes so far as to sabotage Bonds final plan out of shear stupidity, quite inconsistent with the smooth operator we meet in the beginning of the film. Bottom line, she, like almost everything else in the film, is simply an avatar, serving the plot when necessary but with zero life or decision making capability of her own. There is also Plenty O’Toole (no relation to Peter O’Toole) played by Lana Wood, sister to Natalie Wood. Woods acting is so dreadful that every time she uttered a line I was sucked out of the film. So thin was her résumé that the “Ultimate Edition DVD” lists, without irony, an “impressive appearance in the April 1971 issue of Playboy” as her previous experience. The film thinks so little of her she’s thrown out of a 20 story hotel window by a mobster before Bond even gets a chance to bed her. “I dient even know der was a pool dow der.” Yep, this is the kind of a movie where they throw a topples woman out of a 20 story window.

Bond Girl Sluttiness: Hard to gage. It’s clear from the get go that she is in charge of her sexuality and knows how to use it to get what she wants. However, she is also shallowly in it for the money, and melts to Bond when she realizes her can get her into the best suite in Vegas. Again, the inconsistently of the character makes her very difficult to nail down, but outside of her first scene, I’d say she is simply a loose playgirl who likes the excitement of running in dangerous circles.

Bond Girls Best Pick-up Line: “Hi my name is Plenty O’Toole” “  ..of course you are” Bond responds. This kind of sums up the film.

Bond’s Best Pick-up Line: When Bond first meets Tiffany in her apartment, she at one point emerges in a sexy piece of lingerie. Bond doesn’t miss a beat. “Nice little nothing you’re almost wearing. I approve.”

Number of Woman 007 Beds: 1. Yikes! In the Bond universe, not to mention two years after Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice (1969), sex with one woman counts as celibacy! Perhaps the number of conquests is due to Bonds treatment of the lades in Diamonds Are Forever. Before the credits even role he removes a ladies bikini top and uses it to strangle her. He also smacks Tiffany across the face, hard. It’s a nice cases of comeuppance when Bond almost gets his ass handed to him in a ménage a trios beat down courtesy of Bambi and Thumper; two ladies who would make a good living on the GLOW tour. Many critics have taken Bond to task for being sexist and for the most part, I think they are looking a little to seriously at a franchise that treats many serious issues; sex, violence, world piece, as a light frame to hang a fun adventure upon. However, the treatment of women in Diamonds (remember the window throwing incident) did rub me the wrong way. It was just another instance where I was sucked out of the film and worse, reminded of Connery’s several statements in the press (Barbara Walters in December of 1987; Playboy in November of 1965) where he said it is OK for a man to hit a woman, with an open hand of course. “I don’t think there is anything particularly wrong about hitting a woman … If a woman is a bitch, or hysterical, or bloody-minded continually, then I’d do it.” Ohh dear dear Sean, how I wish it was you, and not Rodger Moore, who went toe to toe with Grace Jones. She would kick…your….ass. Anyway, Tiffany Case wins the honor of being Bonds one and only. They bang-a-gong not moments after Plenty O’Toole is dispatched out the window and then once again on a plastic bed that doubles as a fish tank in the Whyte house suite of the Vegas Willard Whyte Hotel.

Number of People 007 Kills: 8, and half of them are Blofelds. He kills two Blofelds in the open alone, drowning one in a mud bath before he has the chance to gain the Blofeld mug. The other, who Bond mistakes for the real Blofeld, is drown in a waterfall of mud that looks like a stream of vomit straight out of a Tosh.O clip. Bond also throws a few surgical knifes into a doctor taking him of life support…. PERMANENTLY! So far, From Russia With Love is my favorite Bond film with a bullet, and out of the countless standout scenes, the Grant fist fight on the Orient Express is one of the most memorable. So, when Bond meets Franks, the very man he has been impersonating, on an old fashion elevator with frosted glass windows, my expectations where high. The idea of another tightly choreographed fight in an even tighter space should be enough to get any Bond fans heart racing. It pains me to say but Gay Hamilton just doesn’t have the chops or skill that Young brought to the screen. As I watched, something felt absent, and it wasn’t until two thirds through the fight, when the theme finally kicked in, that I became aware of how flat the fight felt with the music’s absents. Did Young use the theme during the train fight in With Love? I have no idea. That’s how good it was, but here, I missed it without even realizing it. It just fell short, had none of the heart or soul, and functioned as a independent moment, separated from the whole. Anyway, Frank’s ultimate death is disappointing. Much like heavy “vomit” mud unbelievably pounded the faux Blofeld in submission, Franks is taken out by a blast to the face from a fire extinguisher. When two Blofelds confront Bond he gets the idea that if he kicks the cat, it will naturally jump onto the lap of the correct Blofeld. However, it turns out the faux cat jumped on the faux Blofeld (You see how hard this film is to follow?) and Bond shoots and kills the wrong guy…again. “Wrong pussy” Connery declares, an eye rolling line delivered with as much dignity as the great Sir. Sean can muster. Despite a major full blown shoot out on the oil rig, not one of the faceless minions are taken down by 007. In the final moments Bond turns the tables on Kidd and Wint (never to be confused with Kidd N’ Play) and sets Mr. Kidd on fire right before he ties a bomb to Mr. Wint’s coattails and sends him overboard into the sea.

Most Outrageous Death/s: Blofeld has been an evil presence from the get go. In Dr. No, we met an Asian madman who works for an evil organization called SPECTRE. In following films, we get to know #1 as ruthless terrorist with unlimited influence and wealth at his disposal. Blofeld had world domination within his grasp several times with only Bond standing in his way. As payback, Blofeld killed Bond’s wife on their wedding day. 007 and #1; two men hell bent on opposing each other no matter what the collateral damage. Holmes vs. Prof. Moriaty, Batman vs. Joker, Ali vs. Frazer, Sparta vs. Athens, Jason vs. Horny Stoned Teens; Bond vs. Blofeld was one for the ages. So after 7 films and 9 years how dose Good finally triumph over Evil? When a bemused looking Bond jumps into the cockpit of a deep ocean oil drilling crane from which Blofeld’s one man submarine is dangling. Bond, all but guessing what levers to pull, then swings the arm of the crane around and bashes the suspended sub into a wall. Meanwhile, the trapped Blofeld does what he does best; yell at people through a microphone. Bond then jumps out of the crane and off the oil rig just before it explodes, presumably with Blofeld on it BUT…we don’t know? The worst part of this; it was a God damn patch, a last minute fix, an after thought. The original script of the film featured Blofeld escaping from the rig in his sub, Bond chasing him down, and a climatic battle in a salt mine. But somewhere along the line someone said “ahh, screw it. Lets just have the biggest hero in cinema history take out his biggest nemesis while to two are completely removed from each other robbing the audience of a face to face fight. In fact, Bond won’t even kill Blofeld, it will be random dudes in helicopters who blow up the oil rig and we won’t even let the audience know if in fact Blofeld is dead or not. Sounds great! Someone get me a drink, we’re done for the day.” I think I speak for every Bond fan when I call 100% bullshit on this entire thing. (Ed. Note. Blofeld may come back, I can’t recall, but the film goes a long way to implying Bond has finally beat SPECTRE’S #1 without giving a definitive answer.)

Miss. Moneypenny: Even in her one limited scene, Mrs. Moneypenny manages to charm. Our favorite pencil pusher comes out from behind her desk to work in the field posing as a customs agent. Once out of the office, all the security does is capturer and incapacitate the international diamond smuggler Peter Franks. The woman should qualify for double 0 status right there! As Bond leaves Moneypenny, bound for Amsterdam, he asks his long suffering underling if she would like anything. “A diamond?” answers a hopeful and ever persistent Moneypenny. As he pulls away Bond asks “Would you settle for a tulip?” Conveying with her eyes and pitch perfect delivery that anything from Bond would be just as meaningful as the requested diamond, she lets out a “Yes!” Her answer however is unheard, lost in the wake of Bond’s rapidly departing car. If it’s not clear by now, let me say for the record, we here at Blog James Blog love Moneypenny.

M: In a funny nod to Connery’s hiatus, M off handedly tells 007 “We do function in your absence commander.” It’s a big laugh and one of the best lines in the film.

Q: Q finally gets some respect from Bond. Not once but twice Bond goes out of his way to complement Q, as he should. The gadgets 007 uses in this film are more subtle than a car with rocket launchers (although an Aston Martin can be seen getting outfitted with 4 side-winders in the background of Q’s workshop.) Q also gets a rare opportunity to field test one of his inventions, an electro magnetic PRM controller. In a scene that gives us a window into Q’s soul, we see MI6’s gadget guru in Las Vegas walking down a row of slot machines. He holds his gizmo up to the machines and promptly hits the jackpot, then as he moves on to the next machine, quarters pour out of the previous. Tiffany Case (who calls him Mr. Q), impressed with the money he’s winning, indicates she would be willing to spend some time with him and his new found wealth. In everyway the antithesis of Bond, Q doesn’t notice the girl or the money and is simply interested in playing with his new toy.

List of Gadgets: In the open, a baddie reaches into the breast pocket of Bond jacket with the intention of disarming him. Instead he gets a nice surprise when a mouse trap like device crushes his fingers. Bonds first tip of the cap to Q comes after fake fingerprints successfully fool Tiffany into thinking Bond is Franks. The second device that gets Q props, “this contraption actually works,” is a voice box that allows Bond to make a phone call to Blofeld sounding like one of #1’s southern fried flunkies. I wonder if the pink tie Bond wears for the call helps him get into character? These devices are neat but the gadgets in this movie, like pretty much everything else, feel hollow. This is because we don’t have the scene were Q lays out all the new toys and explains them to Bond. The gadgets magically pop up in ways that are simply to covenant to the situation. An example; Bond crawls out of the window of his suite at the Whyte Hotel and rides to the penthouse while perched on top of an external elevator. The shots of Bond slowly rising up above the Vegas skyline are awesome, so much so that my 13-year-old viewing companion explained “That is SO COOL!” Then when Bond reaches the top, he pulls out a harpoon like gun he uses to anchor himself into the wall, swing out below the window, and climb up into the building. It’s a great toy, but so ridiculous is this plot device that even my 13- year-old buddy moaned “Of course he has that.” The final and most outrageous gadget is a ball that allows Bond to walk on water as if he were Wayne Coyne crowd surfing. (Ed. Note: I love me them Flaming Lips.)

Gadgets/British Government Property Bond Destroys: None. Bond doesn’t even singe his suit when he’s trapped in a coffin that’s fed into a crematorium.

Other Property Destroyed: Not to much. In the open Bond tosses a dude through some paper walls in Japan. He and Franks bust up the glass in the elevator during their fist fight. Bond bangs up Tiffany’s car during a chase in Las Vegas that leaves several cops cars in ruin, and he takes part in destroying a deep ocean oil rig.

Felix Leiter: “I have a friend called Felix that can fix anything” Bond tells Tiffany just a beat before half the Vegas police start chasing them. If by fix anything Bond meant Fing it all up, then yes, Felix is your man. Played this time by character actor Norman Burton of “The Untouchables” TV show that would inspire The Untouchables (1987) film that would win Connery his Best Supporting Actor Oscar (see what we did there) Felix reaches new levels of uselessness, even by the already sky high standards of previous incompetence. Bond, posing as Franks, uses a coffin, containing the real Franks, to smuggle the diamonds into the U.S. (Don’t worry if you don’t understand, it makes little sense in the film.) It’s here that we meet Felix posing as a customs agent. (A cover Moneypenny already used to the upmost effectiveness…just sayin.) Felix lets Bond smuggle the body into the country (good) but then promptly hands Bond over the Vegas mobsters (bad.) Later Bond sets up the Circus Circus Casino as the exchange point for Tiffany to pick up the diamonds. Felix and thirty of his agents lock the joint down, “A mouse with sneakers couldn’t get through my men.” Now dear reader, what are the odds in Vegas that the CIA will loose Tiffany and the diamonds? Bond, “Felix doesn’t tell me you lost her?” Felix “We lost her.” In the very next scene, Bond not only finds Tiffany’s hideout with zero effort, but he is waiting for her pool side the moment she walks in. Still later, Bond endures the Bambi/ Thumper beat down and it isn’t until he’s subdued them both that Felix and his men come to the rescue; a day late and dollar short. Felix even tries to put Bond on lockdown, posting guys outside his suite. Bond sidesteps this inconvenience by simply crawling out the window and hitching a ride on top of the elevator. It takes Felix and 20 dudes to mess up what Bond easily accomplishes all on his own. “I have a friend called Felix that can fix anything” indeed.

Best One Liners/Quips: Bond is knocked out and thrown into the trunk of a car where his body smashes a bottle of perfume. His unconscious body is then placed into a pipe in the middle of the desert. 007 awakes to find himself in a sewer with a rat. Connery gives one of his irresistible looks that says, “yah, I know this is outrageous, but I can go with the flow” as he says to the rat “One of us smells like a tarts handkerchief  … I’m afraid it’s me.” This line would be eye rollingly bad coming from 95% of actors, but Connery is able to make it shine, and that’s why he makes the homerun money.

Bond Car/s: Red Mustang Mach 1. This is technically Tiffany’s auto but Bond drives it like it’s his own, able to pop it up on two wheels by simple shifting his weight. Additionally, Bond catches a ride on helicopter and a huge hovercraft. In one of the cooler moments of the film, Connery and not a stunt man, jumps off the back of the moving 3 wheeled ATV, lands on his feet, and without breaking stride goes into a full run. It a truly impressive bit of stunt work. Sadly, Connery also suffers the indignity of having to evade several thugs while driving a moon buggy….through the desert.

Bond Timepiece: Bond takes a look at his watch at one point but we don’t see it. Boooo!

Other Notable Bond Accessories: What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Lets hope the white dinner jacket with the pink tie getup stays as well. Earlier in Amsterdam, a quick thinking Bond plants his gold Playboy Club Membership card on Paul Frank’s body. While posing as Franks, 007 tells Tiffany that he was just attacked in the lobby by the dude now laying in her foyer. When she looks in the dead guys pocket she pulls out the no doubt well used card “Do you know how you just killed? James Bond!” A shock positively shocked! Connery responds “Is that who that is?”

Number of Drinks 007 Consumes: Four. Not nearly enough. Between this low count and lack of sex, I must ask if Connery became a Mormon while on hiatus from 007. He’s in Vegas, a place well know for good drink and sex! Anyway, while getting debriefed by M Bond washes down a Sherry “51 I believe.” “Sherry’s don’t have years 007.” “I was referring to the vintage sir…1851.” Cue the Bond Theme. Tiffany gets the faux fingerprints off a glass Bond uses to sip some Scotch. After she takes off with this glass, Bond happily pours himself another. Then, while on a cruse with Tiffany, the two share some vino, a bottle of Claret I believe, which will become and important plot point. See Special Abilities for more…

Bond’s Gambling Winnings: And the lack of taking advantage of the Las Vegas location continues. While in Sin City 007 doesn’t lay a finger on a card. He instead finds himself rolling the bones. When he asks for a 10 thousand dollar credit line, the pit boss must intervene. “My name is Franks, Peter Franks.” “Mr. Frank’s money is good here” and Bond is off. It should come a no surprise he knows his way around a craps table and leaves $40,000 up in short order, giving $5000 to annoying Mrs. O’ Toole (“Say, you’ve played this game before!”) who then gets tossed out a window.

List of Locations: After rocketing from Japan to Cairo to a Mediterranean beach in France, all in the first thirty seconds, the film settles down in London at the MI6 offices. A short time later Bond boards a hovercraft bound for Amsterdam where one of the famed cannels makes like the East River AKA a dumping ground for dead bodies. Bond then returns to the U.S. for the first time since Goldfinger where he hooks up with the CIA’s #1 man at LAX. The globe trotting finally settles down after a ride through the desert to Las Vegas, Nevada, the only location in the film given a chance to truly shine. The movie wisely stays away from the “Vegas is Disneyworld for Adults” vibe. Much like The Hangover (2009) and Leaving Las Vegas (1995) the Vegas of Diamonds is a mysterious and dangerous place, more of a seedy backwater than a playground for multimillions. Diamonds came out the same year Dr. Hunter Thompson’s Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas was first published in Rolling Stone Magazine. In the now famous work of “Gonzo Journalism” Thompson saw Vegas as the garbage left washed up on a beach after a wave crashes and rolls back out to sea. That vibe lurks just outside the frame in Diamonds, particularly during the Circus Circus scenes. “Circus Circus is where the entire hip world would be hanging out on a Saturday night if the Nazis won the war” Hunter wrote and the … ahem…circus atmosphere is perfectly captured in Diamonds. From the flying acrobats to the carnival barkers to the third-rate carnie sideshow tricks the entire place feels a little “off.” The best action sequence in the film happens on the world famous Fremont St. Bond zips around in his Mustang as hapless cops give pursuit and hordes of gawkers stand around like they are track side at 24 Hours of Le Mans. The crowd is somehow unfazed by the fact that at any second one of these fast moving vehicles could lose control and hop up on the sidewalk. It’s almost like they are standing around to watch a film being made… Bond eventually eludes most of the cops in a wonderfully choreographed chase featuring 007 zooming in and out of parked cars outside The Mint Hotel. The Mint is of course where Hunter stayed while in town and I picture him looking down on the scene below as that damned hotel bill just keeps going up.  Also prominently featured is the Vegas Hilton standing in here at the Whyte Hotel. The most impressive structure is Willard Whyte’s cliff side home. Actually located in Palm Springs, the house features stunning views, oddly shaped window walled rooms, and an infinity pool disappearing off the cliff. The home, deemed the #1 bachelor pad by Playboy, was designed by Frank Lloyd Wright protégée John Lautner. Lautner homes have been featured in Body Double (1984), Lethal Weapon 2 (1989) and as Jackie Treehorn’s beach house in The Big Lebowski (1998). It is in the basement of this home that Bond finally tracks down the elusive Willard Whyte played by James Dean. Please forgive a slight detour so we can point out the fact the Jimmy Dean, who just died this summer, is one of the cooler people to have walked this planet. Mr. Dean was not only musician who was instrumental in bringing country music to its current prominence, but he was also entrepreneur who founded “Jimmy Dean Pure Pork Sausage,” and an actor who appeared in, among others things, a James Bond film. Please take a moment to tip you Stetson in his honor.

Bonds Special Abilities Displayed: Bond admits he doesn’t know much about diamonds but he knocks M into his place with his knowledge of Sherry. He also has a noise for shenanigans; he figures out Tiffany tested his glass when he picks up the scent of the finger print dust. He can throw dice better than the best of em (HEY! You’ve played this game before…) and he continues his streak of being able to operate any piece of machinery he encounters; an ATV, a deep oil rig crane, and a moon buggy are all expertly navigated. 007’s swan dive off the oil rig seconds before it goes all BP Deepwater Horizon earned him a 9.2 from the judges (a 6.8 from the Russian). While Bond’s physical prowess never ceases to amaze, I personally love when Jimmy B’s vices (like gambling) aid him in his quest. In the finally scene of Diamonds, 007’s love of booze literally saves his life. Mr. Wint and Mr. Kidd track Bond and Tiffany down on a cruse ship. Posing as waiters, the two make their way into Bond cabin pushing a dinner cart which contains a bomb. Bond’s super sensitive honker recognizes Mr. Wint’s cheep aftershave. After presenting the bill of fare, Mr. Wint serves Bond a Mouton-Rothschild ’55. “The wine is quite excellent but for such a grand meal, I would have expected a claret” 007 complains. “Of course, unfortunately our cellar’s rather poorly stocked with clarets.” “Mouton-Rothschild is a Claret.” Check and mate.

Thoughts on Film: For 007 #7 EON took inspiration for the past to move into the future. Returning to the fold were star Connery, director Hamilton and songstress Shirley Bassey. However, hindsight was far from 20/20 in the Broccoli, Saltzman, and Hamilton vision of where Bond should be. While some the elements the production team drew from the 1964 classic work (Bassey’s belting vocals, Connery’s devil-may-care nonchalance, international smuggling rings) they mostly misread what made that film so wonderful. This happens all the time with sequels and it’s a small miracle that it didn’t happen until the seventh film in Bond. Many sequels are like the Michael Keaton clone in Multiplicity (1996); at first glance they look as good as the original but if you spend any time with them you realize they are bad copies missing key elements. There are countless examples but lets just take the Hannibal Lector films. The Silence of Lambs (1991) is a spooky psychological thriller with a distinct tone that is perfectly captured in the poster, a poster that features not a trace of Anthony Hopkins or his character. For the sequels, film makers completely misread what made Lambs a classic (Foster, Demme, the script, Buffalo Bill, the tension built not though action but dialogue, etc.) and instead think the film was all about Dr. Lector. Hence the crappy follow ups that play like bad monster movies. (Ed. Note, Michael Mann’s Manhunter (1986) is still the best “Hannibal” film.) EON also misread the elements that made Goldfinger so charming and instead just took the cheese level and pump it up to an obnoxious 11. Hamilton, not showing all that much skill for picking a shot in the his ’64 Bond debut, decides to just throw the camera wherever he parks his production truck for this movie. Add to that the terrible pacing, amateur acting and complete lack of motivation for half of the action and its clear EON said “Screw it! Just get Connery in that tux, blow some shit up and get it into theaters as quickly as possible so people can forget about that Lazenby film.”  Like all Bond films (so far at least) this movie has some great moments. Connery also gives us little subtle things like his expression of complete boredom when getting briefed on the diamonds and his sideways looks at the flying ladies at Circus Circus. But for the most part, the film can’t get out of the way of itself. There are red herrings galore that are handled clumsily. How many times can Bond kill Blofeld to realize, Ha-ha, it’s not Blofeld!  Tiffany is on Bonds side, no she with Blofeld, no she’s out for herself, no she really is with Bond. This is marching band tape, no it’s the nuke code tape! We are on the moon, no we are in the desert! (Why then, are the astronauts chasing Bond like they are moving in zero G?) Even the damn diamonds end up to be fakes at one point, a possibly that was never even hinted at previously. Add clueless redneck cops, Blofeld in drag, a mortician named Slumber, and Connery suffering the indignity of having to say “wrong pussy” after kicking a cat clone and you get the full picture. Connery is clearly more engaged than he was in YOLT, so it’s a shame that his finally official Bond film is his worst. With Diamonds Are Forever, camp puts down stakes and pitches a tent in the middle of the Bond franchise, setting the stage for the Rodger Moore era. Camp and Bond can work brilliantly, as it did in Goldfinger, but to quote David St. Hubbins “It’s such a fine line between stupid and clever.”

Martini ratings:

On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

Title: On Her Majesty’s Secret Service

Year: 1969. On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, the darkest Bond film of the six to date, took a while to get off the ground. The original closing credits to Goldfinger (1965) listed OHMSS as the next in the series but several factors contributed to delay production for close to three years. Released days before Christmas, Bond 6 squeaked into theaters two weeks shy of the new decade. When peering into the rose tinted rearview mirror, American’s like to think of 1969 as Love, Peace, and Woodstock. In reality it was Charles Manson, Vietnam, and Altamont, the anti-Woodstock. The free show, featuring Ike and Tina, The Jefferson Airplane, and The Rolling Stones degraded into ugly drug fueled violence that climaxed when the Hell’s Angles, hired as security in exchange for all the beer they could drink, killed 18-year-old Meredith Hunter. While many saw the incident as the “death of the 60’s,” in reality the “love generation” had been a zombie only appearing to be alive for some time. Yes, we landed on the moon but for the most part 1969 was one big bummer. The year started with Nixon being sworn into office, as dark an omen as one could imagine. Following the Tet Offensive in January of ‘68, Walter Cronkite, the most trusted man in America, declared Vietnam unwinnable and by July of ’69 the first U.S. troop withdrawals were being made, all but admitting defeat in the misguided “police action.” San Francisco was overrun with homeless drug addled youth, trying to grab onto the Summer of Love two years too late. The Zodiac Killer terrorized the Bay Area and Charles Manson’s family cast a cloud over all of Los Angeles, murdering 8 month pregnant Sharon Tate and 7 others. Many cities still showed scars from race riots and were going bankrupt, crime was up and “white flight” to the suburbs was in full effect. Gone was the New York of Technicolor musicals like Guys & Dolls (1955), replaced by the gritty realism of Midnight Cowboy (1969), the first and only rated X film to ever win an Oscar for Best Picture. (Ed. Note; it wasn’t all bad for New York in ’69 as my beloved Mets and Jets were both crowned World Champs. And who doesn’t love Broadway Joe!)

In fact, Hollywood movies had changed radically in the 18 months since the last Bond film, You Only Live Twice (1967). Thanks to 1967 hits Bonnie and Clyde and The Graduate extravagant sets like the $1 million dollar volcano lair of YOLT were out of favor and on-location realism with muted, saturated color was all the rage, as 1969 hits Midnight Cowboy (#3 box-office) and Easy Rider (#4) made clear. (Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid, far and away the biggest hit in 1969, did resemble the look of John Ford westerns in some ways. However, the violent climax was clearly influenced by Arthur Penn’s Bonnie and Clyde.) Thankfully, the new director and new star of this, the sixth Bond film in eight years, didn’t need a weatherman to know which way the wind was blowing.

Film Length: 2 Hours 22 Minutes. The longest Bond film yet by 12 minutes. The longer running time can perhaps be attributed to the fact that On Her Majesty’s Secret Service is the most faithful adaptation of the Fleming novel up to this point.

Bond Actor: George Lazenby. Prior to starting this project, I always thought of Lazenby as the Pete Best of the Bond series, the guy who was fired before he could reap the benefits of his labor. Turns out, the only actor to play 007 for a single film walked away from the role of a lifetime. When You Only Live Twice debuted in the summer of 1967, the world knew Connery quit Bond and anticipation about his replacement was sky high. Broccoli and Saltzman equated looking for a new Bond to the casting of Scarlett O’Hara.If the search for the first replacement Bond were done today, I have no doubt EON would air “007 Idol” on FOX to milk the high profile search for all it was worth. Lazenby, working as a male model at the time, beat out a reported 400 other actors, including a 22 year old Timothy Dalton, despite his acting credits consisting of nothing more than a few TV ads for chocolate bars. The Australian native served for a stint in the Army before moving to London in 1964. In early 1968 he got a call from his agent who suggested he may make a good 007. To look the part for his audition, Lazenby called Connery’s tailor and purchased a suit designed for the former Bond star that was never picked up. Lazenby then went to Connery barber to get the “Bond haircut.” It turned out that everyone from EON used the same shop and Lazenby bumped into Cubby Broccoli, leading to rumors the producer discovered the new Bond in a barber shop. Untrained in the art of staged combat, Lazenby landed the part when he landed a punch during a fight audition, leaving his sparing partner with a bloody noise. Broccoli like the Aussie’s moxie and he also liked his look; hansom without being pretty with a touch of rough and world-weary thrown in for good measure. Add the natural swagger in his step and clear athletic ability and you’ve got Bond, James Bond. Overnight, Lazenby became not only very famous, but very rich. In fact, the guy who never appeared on the silver screen became the highest paid actor in the world. Broccoli and Saltzman might as well have painted a huge screaming bulls-eye on the back of their new stars nice new suit. As soon as it was announced the unknown Aussie, at 28 years old the youngest actor to play Bond out of the six, was to fill Connery’s big shoes, the knives were out. Lazenby not only had to answer the “Connery question” for reporters from around the world, he also had the Scotsman hung over him on set. The movies director would often ask Lazenby to “Give a look like Sean did in this film” or to “punch him like Sean did in that film.” Adding to his woes, Lazenby was made to feel like a nuisance when he asked questions or chimed in with his two cents. As a card carrying member of hip, swinging London, Lazenby wanted his Bond to be more humane, not an unreasonable request considering the storyline of the film. However, the powers that be knew what they, and the ticket buying public, wanted from Bond, so George, if you could give use some more Sean please, that would be lovely. A combination of inexperience and insecurity lead to what Lazenby later admitted was a bad attitude which lead to bad press. As far as the public were concerned, no one but Sean could be Bond. Add the fact the new stars pissy attitude made him look ungrateful, the on set issues with the director, as well a seven picture deal with a phonebook thick contract and Lazenby felt incredible pressure leading to more outward hostility. He also, like everyone else his age, had seen Easy Rider and felt the anti-heroes of that film, and not James Bond, were the future. When it came time to do press for the films release, the Bond actor showed up for interviews with shoulder length hair and a full beard, a look that EON deemed unacceptable. So it came to pass that days before the release of George Lazenby’s debut film, he announced that his first Bond movie would be his last, catching Broccoli and Saltzman off guard. Infuriated, EON immediately spun the story to make it look like they fired the not-so-big star. Lazenby, who at the time felt that after being Bond he’d have his pick of roles, would later admit he overplayed his hand and made a mistake. Albert R. Broccoli is on the record as saying Lazenby could have been the best Bond had he not quit after just one film. I’m sure at least part of that statement was made to steam Connery, who was now officially on Broccoli’s shit list, but after watching On Her Majesty’s Secret Service for this project, it must be said the man from Oz is good, damn good. (Ed. Note: Full disclosure, the wife doesn’t think young George quite pulled it off, especially in the looks department. She feels he lacks the suave and grace of Bond. She also thinks “his ears aren’t right.”)

Director: Peter R. Hunt. Despite never directing a film before, Hunt knew a thing or two about Bond. He edited the first three films, developing what he called “crash cutting” for action scene in Dr. No (1962) and reaching new heights in storytelling and pacing (in my humble opinion) on From Russia With Love (1963). Having worked with the brilliant Terence Young, Hunt took a page from the three-time Bond director’s book when he said “My feeling was always that one should make the films seriously, but never take them seriously.” Amen brother. Before he even shot a frame, Hunt made a direct and deliberate break from the over-produced, over-stylized, set heavy You Only Live Twice. Shooting mostly on location, using Lazenby in lieu of stand-ins for all fights and many of the stunts, and giving the film a more muted color pallet for a gritty, more realistic look; the difference between this film and its predecessor is immediately apparent and quite stunning. In what was likely another reaction to YOLT, Hunt and the screenwriters stuck as close to the Fleming source material as possible. It’s also worth noting that John Glen, in addition to editing the film, directed the second unit which was responsible for much of the stunning ski and bobsled sequences, the show stopping avalanche, and the “ice auto race.” Glen would go on to direct five future Bond films. As good as Hunt was with story and set up, he was not great with actors. According the LA Times (11/17/02) Hunt refused to speak directly to his leading man after a falling out early in the production. Not exactly an ideal working environment for the first time actor. The vibe was so bad on the set that following a visit in Switzerland, Cubby Broccoli decided a throw a party for the entire cast and crew with the hopes of easing the tension. According to the late producer’s widow, every person working on the movie was invited but Lazenby failed to show up. When he finally did appear he was sullen and removed, claiming he wasn’t formally asked to come and declaring that as the star, he needed to be treated with more respect. Instead of clearing the air, the party made things worse. The animosity only grew when Lazenby showed up for the premiere to learn his voice had been dubbed over by actor George Baker for the scenes where 007 was impersonation the Englishman Sir Hilary Bray. Hunt made no apologies sniffing anyone could play the James Bond character as long as they had the right look.

Reported Budget: $7,000,000 estimated, two million less than YOLT. I would love to know if this was because the 1967 film wasn’t as big of a hit as EON would have liked, or if it was a lack of confidence in the first time director/leading man combo. I suspect it was some combination of the two. Regardless, for the first time, Broccoli and Saltzman tightened the purse strings.

Reported Box-office: $22,774,493 (USA) $87,400,000 (Worldwide). It made money. Considering the terrible press, the absents of Connery, and the fact that Bond quit before the flick even opened, I’d say tripling the investment in the U.S. alone ain’t too shabby.

Theme Song: The song heard over the opening titles is a “modern” rendition of John Barry’s beloved instrumental “James Bond Theme” featuring a more keyboard driven melody. Apparently a song with lyrics was written but didn’t make the final cut. One shudders at the thought of trying to work the title of this film organically into a chorus. Barry composed another song for the film (Lyrics Hal David) that did make it in, “We Have All the Time in the World” performed by the immortal Louis Armstrong. The song, cued up 35 minutes into the film, is simply beautiful. So much so that it manages to hold it’s power despite being heard over an embarrassingly dated courtship montage that sees Bond and the object of his affections walking on a beach/ shopping for rings/ riding on horseback/ strolling in a garden and tossing flower petals into a fountain. Really, I’m not making that up. When Armstrong recorded the number he was quite ill and unable to play his horn, but his sublime voice more than makes up for lack of trumpet. Sadly, Satchmo passed a short time later, making “We Have All The Time In The World” the last song the American icon would record.

Opening Titles: Simple but sexy, the titles might be my favorite yet. The women, in complete black silhouette, slip seductively through a hourglass while the men dangle from a huge clock hands; a nod to the passing of time since Bond first hit the screen. As if to hammer the point home, we see scenes from each previous 007 movie slip through the hourglass along with the sands of time. Curiously, none of the scenes featured show a single frame of Connery. I wonder why?

Opening Action Sequence: We start off at Universal Exports LDT London, which doubles as the headquarters for MI6. Q and M are discussing the ongoing SPECTRE problem and wonder aloud, where is that Jimmy B? “The P.M. wants to be informed personally when we find 007” says M in a sly nod to the recasting of Brittan’s favorite spy. Turns out he’s on the coast of Portugal, literally chasing women, this one in a speedy red convertible. We see a man driving a car in extreme close ups; the brim of his hat, his lip holding a fag, his hands on the wheel, and thanks to the music, we know its Bond. He pulls his Aston Martin over when he sees the girl has stopped for a walk on the beach that quickly goes Jeff Buckley.  In one of the films many witty uses of irony, Bond saves the girl from her suicide attempt thanks to a rifle scoop, a device typically associated with killing. Bond dramatically pulls the doomed woman from the surf and for the first time is seen in full frame, “Good morning, my name is Bond, James Bond.” It’s a fitting and well executed introduction. Bond is then attacked by two unknown assailants and a jump cut edited fist fight ensues, ending with both baddies knocked out. During the battle, the woman steals Bonds car, races it to hers, and takes off, leaving Bond standing alone on the beach with nothing but her shoes. This is one hell of a way to start a film; a woman just tried to kill herself, a violent fist fight breakouts on a dark desolate beach, and the hero is left like the prince from Cinderella, holding an empty shoe full of questions. I was riveted and the open credits should have rolled then and there but the filmmakers couldn’t handle the tension. They make the tone-deaf decision to crash through the fourth wall having Bond turn to the camera and declare “This never happened to the other fellow.” I understand feeling the need to somehow address the casting change (M’s nod at the top was plenty) and the line reportedly got big laughs in the theater but its pure bullock. Perhaps it would have worked during a more light hearted part of the film (when Bond walks in on the international bevy of beauties at Piz Gloria for instance) but after such an intense, emotional opening, I found the wink to camera inappropriately timed and it sucked me right out of the moment.

Bond’s Mission: M and the Prime Minister of England maybe looking for Commander Bond, but 007 is in no rush to get back to London, preferring instead to hang at his hotel-casino in Portugal. And why not, he’s staying in the “Rain Man suite,” he’s got cards to play, thugs to beat up and suicidal chicks to seduce. A moment to note how incredibly good looking the hotel scenes are. At one point, Bond looks over his balcony to the pool, which fades from day to night, to reveal the neon “Casino” sign waving in the water, cut to Bond strolling to the baccarat table located in an impossibly beautiful purple appointed card room. For a first time director, Hunt shows incredible talent in establishing tone and feel from the get go. He has a flare for the kinds of touches that pull us into the locations that feel real and lived in. Anyway, the next morning Bond grabs his clubs in anticipation of 18 holes when he is rudely kidnapped by four thugs. The baddies take 007 into a David Lynch film featuring a warehouse being swept out by a midget. Bond gets free and runs thought a door which magically transports him out of the dingy warehouse and into an amazing office complete with Victorian furnishings, a sexily dressed woman and a mustachioed, verbose, cigarette smoking villain. “Don’t kill me Mr. Bond, at least until we’ve had a drink.” Ahh, back into Bond territory. Over a martini Marc Ange Draco (Gabriele Ferzetti) explains to Bond that the suicidal chick 007’s been banging (to use the parlance of our time) is in fact Contessa Teresa Di Vicenzo AKA Draco’s daughter. Draco needs someone to watch over her as a husband and he feels Bond is the man for the job, a job that pays $1 million. Bond says that’s nice, I don’t need $1 million and by the way, you’re the head of the #2 crime syndicate in Europe and you just kidnapped me, so that’s a rub. And hey, as a criminal, do you have a line on Blofeld’s whereabouts? Perhaps … “If I could find Blofeld I wouldn’t tell Her Majesty’s Secret Service, but I might tell my future son in law.” This is awesome. Bond movies always play up the glamorous side of being a spy, but the profession often requires the good guys to cut deals with unsavory types to get bigger, badder, unsavory types. In this case, Bond is going to get in bed with mob, well, daughter of the mob, to get the bigger fish.

Villain’s Name: Ernst Stavro Blofeld or, as #1 is trying to pass himself off as, Count De Bleuchamp, returns. And as it turns out, Bond cut the deal with Drago not a moment to soon. When James finally makes his way back to London he learns M has taken him off the Blofeld case after two years of zero results; nothing personal, strictly business. MI6 can’t have a double 0’s running around without a killable target. Thankfully, Drago has given 007 a lead on a lawyer in Bern, Switzerland who is working with Blofeld on some kind of scheme. Bond breaks into the lawyer office and learns Blofeld is attempting to obtain the title of Count, as certified by the British College of Arms. Bond relays this information back to M, is put back on the case, and is off to meet Blofeld, posing at the College of Arms genealogical expert, Sir Hilary Bray.

Villain Actor: Telly Savalas “Who loves ya, baby?” Best known as the lollipop sucking TV cop Kojak, the Golden Greek takes over as the head of SPECTRE with sparkling results. Savalas is far and away the best and most dynamic Blofeld yet. When he says “I mean what I say and I’ll do what I claim” you believe him. He’s physically imposing, incredibly smart, and for the first time, a man of action. In the past, Blofeld watched everything on cameras as he sat at a desk. Here, he oversees his operation in person and even participates in the pursuit of an escaping Bond, ON SKIS! Can you even imagine Donald Pleasence riding a chairlift, much less handling a double black diamond? Telly makes Blofeld the diabolical genius he ought to be. My only question, what is it with genius bald white dudes and the need for global domination?

Villain’s Plot: As has become habit, Blofeld once again leans heavily on the “E” bit of SPECTRE as the name of the game is again extortion. This time, #1 is using an allergy treatment center as a cover to create the Omega Sterility Virus. Picture the Pill, the single most important component of the 60’s free love movement, being weaponized. (Taking love and making it hate in another one of those cool ironic twists.) If deployed, Blofeld could render any plant or animal (including humans) infertile, condemning entire species to extension. Even more sinister is his system of deployment; “The Angles of Death” or as we are first introduced to them, “hot allergy suffering women from around the world.” This UN of beauties are on hand to get “cured” via a brainwashing technique that consists of locking the ladies in their room and blinking various colored lights on the ceiling while Telly Savalas smoothly persuades the allergy suffers that they in fact enjoy that which causes the reaction. In the case of Ruby Bartlett (Angela Scoular) chickens are a problem, so when the lights start blinking she goes into a hypnotic state as Telly calmly explains “Before you came here, you hate chickens. But now, you love them. I have taught you to love chickens …” Dear reader, believe when I say that upon hearing the line “I have taught you to love chickens” my Serra Nevada Pale Ale squirted out of my noise clear across the room. Ahhh, but Blofeld’s “cure” is a nasty Trojan horse disguising his true motive, teaching the ladies to love chemical warfare. After the “Angles of Death” are cured and released, all Blofeld needs to trigger his ticking time bombs is his voice, delivered via radio, and the unknowing pawns become weapons of mass destruction. The twist, this time Blofeld’s not after money. In exchange for keeping the virus at bay, #1 is demanding complete amnesty for this and past crimes as well as his desired title, Count De Bleuchamp.

Villain’s Lair: Piz Gloria. The allergy clinic/poison plant is situated 10,000 ft above sea level on Schilthorn Mountain in Murren, Switzerland. Actually a restaurant under construction at the time of shooting, the base of operation, hidden in plan sight, is accessible only by cable-car or helicopter. This is a vast improvement over Blofeld’s volcano from the previous film in several ways. First off, the base is a hell of a lot easier to defend. Just keep the gondola monitored, posted some gunmen on the cliff and the balconies around the joint and Bob’s your uncle. It’s also visually striking. Perched on cliff faces with 360 degree views of the surrounding Alps, every camera angle is a gem. At one point, a helicopter can be seen flying past a window at eye level. The gondola provides not only spectacular visuals but an opportunity for all kinds of high wire combat and reminded me of Where Eagles Dare (1968), a flick I saw as a kid that left a lasting impression. ED NOTE: The attached clip, featuring Richard Burton kicking some Nazi butt, is fairly violent.

It is at this fantastic location that Blofeld and Bond come face to face. Bond arrives via helicopter, posing undercover as Sir Hilary Bray (George Baker), a member of the British College of Arms on hand to authenticate Blofeld’s claim to the title of Count. Miraculously, Blofeld doesn’t recognize his arch-enemy, perhaps because Bond and Blofeld are literally different people than they were before. Or, maybe Bond’s disguise consisting of an upper crust English accent, a pipe, and a hint of homosexuality is as effective as Clark Kent’s spectacles. But I strongly feel the success of Bond’s undercover op. rests with his dinner attire; a Scottish number complete with kilt, knee shocks and sporran; a getup that was never worn by the other fellow.

Villain’s Coolest Accessory/ Trait: Blofeld is not the man he used to be. He’s gotten rid of that nasty scar over his eye but in order to convince the College of Arms of his bloodline he cut off his own earlobes. At one point Blofeld even ditches his ever present white longhaired feline, throwing the cat off his lap when he straps on some skis to chase Bond down the mountain. It’s the last we see of the cat and a short time later when the mountain complex explodes Blofeld escapes but I was left wondering, did his kitty make it out? I love the idea of Blofeld as a more “physical” villain, able to go toe to toe with Bond in both hand to hand combat and alpine sports. #1 even acts as driver to set in motion the most powerful moment in all of the six Bond films up to this point. Which leads us to ….

Badassness of Villain: As outlined above, Savalas is the most physically imposing, intellectual, and all around best Blofeld yet so it follows he’s also the most badass. Yes, he threatens worldwide destruction but at this point that’s par for the course at SPECTRE International Inc. A hint of how much more sadistic Blofeld has become is displayed when Bond is captured. On the way to his holding cell, Bond looks out the window to see his associate, a mysterious blond Draco employee who was caught snooping around Piz Gloria, strung up and hanging off the balcony. Blofeld casually references the grim warning. But that pales in comparison to the unforgettable cold blooded act Blofeld and his aside execute in the final moments of the film.

Villain’s Asides/ Henchmen: Bolfeld’s base is guarded by machine gun totting baddies who apparently stumbled across some swag left over from the 1948 St. Moritz Winter Games; their orange jackets are stamped with the five Olympic Rings. Their skiing skills suggest they need quite a bit more training to make the 1972 Swiss team. The aforementioned aside is Irma Bunt or as she introduces herself to Bond; “Fraulein Irma Bunt, personal secretary to ze Count.” Bunt is a crazy old German with a hysterically thick accent who keeps the girls at the allergy clinic in line. She meets Bond, who she thinks is Sir Hilary Bray, at the train station and is tasked with escorting him to Piz Gloria. As Sir Hilary, Bond and Bunt have several of the best exchanges in the film. When they first meet, Bond says “Bunt, interesting name to a genealogist. It’s a nautical term meaning the baggy or swollen parts of a sail. Nothing personal of course.” On the helicopter flight to the top of the mountain, Bond expresses how he would like to get his feet on the ground. “Not ground. Iccceeeee!” Bunt hisses. And finally, the fem Sir Hilary is unmasked as the horn-dog Bond when 007 sneaks into a young ladies room to find Bunt waiting in bed. Lazenby, with a huge smile on his face exclaims “Fancy meeting you here Fraulein!” However, once Bond is exposed the fun and games end. Bunt chase Bond halfway across Switzerland hell bent on killing the spy. And when she fails, she goes for the consolation prize, acting as the triggerman responsible for killing Tracy AKA Mrs. James Bond. The murder, a drive by happening moments after Bond and his bride tie the knot, is a devastating coda to the darkest, most straightforward Bond film to this point. Even though I knew it was coming the scene hit incredibly hard as I watched it sitting next to my wife.

Bond Girl Actress: Diana Rigg. Known to British audiences as Emma Peel of the “The Avengers,” (Honor Blackman, Pussy Galore in Goldfinger (1964) was also an alum of the series) is by far the most nuanced and complex actresses yet to be a Bond girl. Not to mention, she’s also quite easy on the eyes. Cue the BBC montage. And as an added bonus, lades and gentlemen, The Kinks!

Rigg is up to the near impossible task of convincing movie goers that this girl is amazing enough for Bond to throwaway his much adored bachelor lifestyle, not to mention his license to kill. Even more impressive, she pulls of the feat of never having to embarrass herself by running around in a bikini or by simply melting to Bond charms. She plays the troubled daughter of a mob kingpin not as the cardboard cutout “poor little rich girl” but as a sophisticated woman with wit, charm, and a dark self destructive streak.

Bond Girl’s Name: Tracy Di Vicenzo AKA Contessa Teresa AKA Mrs. James Bond. Bond first saves the Contessa from drowning in the ocean and later that night from her debts at the baccarat table. Despite this, and a promise to “repay” her debt, the two don’t instantly jump into bed. Bond shows up to her room to be ambushed by one of he father’s men. When 007 returns to his room, he is welcomed by Tracy holding a gun. Bond gets the gun, his gun, and smacks the woman, hard. Not you’re typical courtship, but you buy the two eventually fall for one another. Tracy is able to match wits with Bond and at moments, she’s one step ahead. There is an underlying foreboding to the entre courtship, a feeling that the couple, both of whom run in dangerous, high stakes circles, are doomed from the start. At one point, Bond and Tracy are force to pull over for the night when a snowstorm creates whiteout conditions. Bond pushes the car into a barn and the two engage in romantic witty banter that concludes with Bond’s proposal. It’s a magical night but trouble, IE real life, literally breaks down the door at dawn in the form of Bolfeld and his minions. Luckily, the baddies burst in moments after Bond and Tracy escape out the back. You know, as do they, that this is what it will always be for the couple; no rest, always running. Good thing then that the Contessa can ski like Picabo Street on speed. She also can hold her own in a fight unlike any Bond girl to date. She even gets face time with Blofeld himself, and is able to outwit the criminal mastermind. In short, she’s enough of a rock-star that it’s not out of the question that Bond, James Bond, would fall head over heels and pledge to become a one woman man.

Bond Girl Sluttiness: Teresa is far too classy to be thought of as anything near a floozy. That said, the Contessa is not above using sex and her femininity as a means to an end. Whether she’s playing the spoiled brat (Hot car, gambling with money she doesn’t have) or the self-destructive doomed soul (drowning herself, gambling with money she doesn’t have) she somehow always seems to be in control. Even when she decides to “pay back” her debt to Bond, she strings 007 along before surrendering to his charms in the rock-star worthy bed on the balcony of Bond’s suite. Bond awakes in the morning to find she has checked out, and in deference to Clemenza’s advice, she has taken the gun and left the cannoli; by which I mean she stole Bond Walther PPK and left 2000 franks, her debt to Bond paid in full.

Bond Girls Best Pick-up Line: The line comes not from our Bond girl but from one of the Angles of Death, the converted chicken lover Ruby Bartlett. Bond, sporting a kilt in the guise of Sir Hilary, is sitting at a dinner table pontificating about royal lineages and what have you when Rudy decides this is the man she wants. While Bond prattles on, Ruby reaches under the table and writes “8,” her room number, on Bond thigh. Later, when Sir Hilary shows up to her room, he drops his kilt to Ruby’s delight as she squeals “It is true!”

Bond’s Best Pick-up Line: Right before the hysterical kilt dropping, Bond uses his best snooty English accent to work his way into Ruby’s bed. He is there, as Sir Hilary, to show young Ruby the pictures in his Coats of Arms book. When Ruby asks to turn on the lights so she can “see the pictures” Sir Hilary responds “You’re a picture yourself, and twice as lovely in the firelight.” “I didn’t think you liked girls” Ruby responses “Well I don’t usually, but you’re unusual, that lipstick was an inspiration … and so are you.” “Oh Sir Hilary…” “Call me Hilly.” Now, in and of itself, this pillow talk is not note worthy, but don’t be fooled, these mundane musings are truly pearls. Not an hour after this encounter, Bond has another with a second blond and he used the same exact lines … and scores again! (Cue the Bond theme)

Number of Woman 007 Beds: 3. A high number when you consider Bond is betrothed for a good bit of the film, but it was almost much higher. The three are the lovely Tracy Di Vicenzo, Mrs. Room #8 Ruby Bartlett, and the second blond mentioned above, Nancy (Catherine Schell). The morning after Bond’s two-for, Hilly partakes in some curling with all the angles and triple books his evening, lining up a lady for 8, 9, and 10PM. “The work is really piling up.” Hilly however never gets to makes his rendezvous thanks to getting busted by Fraulein Bunt.

Number of People 007 Kills: 6. Interestingly, Bond doesn’t take advantage of his 00 until well over and hour and half into the film. I suspect this is due to the fact that most of his violent encounters prior are with Draco’s men and the plot would get sticky if Bond was whacking his futures father-in-laws employees. A note about the fighting in this film; most of the combat sequences are presented in a deliberate “jump-cut” quick edit style that features a cut to a different angle every time a punch is landed. It’s an interesting choice and it certainly evokes a feeling of disorientation, much like getting punched in the face, but I found it to be a bit distracting, much like getting punched in the face. It also left me wondering if the chose was made to work around some kind of short coming the inexperience Lazenby might have had when it came to staged combat. Due to the editing we never really “see” a fist fight. I’m reminded of Fred Astaire who insisted that his dance sequences be shot with as few cuts as possible so the audience could see he was in fact doing all the moves, no tricks. Take the few moments to watch this clip from Blue Skies (1946) to see how right Astaire was.

As much as the hand to hand combat scenes disappoint, the skiing scenes are more in the vein of an Astaire sequence; shot and cut in a way where the audiences sees the chase and the sequences are a beauty to behold (Most of the scenes, however, were shot with stunt doubles.) At the end of one of those spectacular ski chase Bond sends two baddies over the side of the largest cliff I’ve seen outside of a Road Runner cartoon. Later Bond recruits Draco and some of his people to raid Blofeld’s mountain base in order to save Tracy. In one of the coolest shots of the film, Bond jumps out of the helicopter and slides across the ice on his belly while taking out a Blofeld guard with a machine gun. He kills one more guard in a hall and then shoots a white lab coat guy who throws some kind of wall eating acid at Bonds head. The acid misses, the dude is killed. There are other chase sequences, one involving Bond and Tracy trying to out ski an avalanche and a heart pounding fist fight between Blofeld and Bond on a bobsled that works as good as any set piece in the Bond films to this point. Blofeld ends up hanging from a tree and appears to be done for but alas, he returns to perform one last dastardly deed.

Most Outrageous Death/s: I was actually stunned watching one of the most violent and graphic deaths of the franchise up to this point. During one of the ski chases Bond and Tracy jump over a ravine that is being carved by a Zamboni size snow blower, I assume to make a bobsled course. One of the Olympic ring sporting baddies doesn’t make the jump and falls into the rotating blades. The snow instantly turns from white to red in an image that brings to mind Steve Buscemi’s demise in Fargo (1996).

Miss. Moneypenny:  Oh how I love the always endearing Lois Maxwell. In a humors and subtle nod to the casting change, James enters Moneypenny’s office all kinds of flirty. “Same old James” says Moneypenny who quickly gets a surprise pinch on the bottom from 007, “Only more so!” At Bond’s wedding, Moneypenny cries and shares a knowing moment with her longtime crush. Moneypenny even takes an active role protecting James from himself. After M removes Bond from the Blofeld case, an impulsive and rather pissed-off Jimmy B has Moneypenny write out his resignation letter. Moments later, M calls Bond into his office and dismisses 007 with a curt “request granted.” Bond, shocked at the ease with which MI6 let him go, learns that Moneypenny in fact submitted a request for two weeks leave. Both Bond and M, and all of England for that matter, are in debt to this woman for her quick thinking. Moneypenny is the unsung hero who keeps all these powerful men pointed in the right direction.

M: That’s Admiral M we find out in our best look into Bond’s boss yet. We visit the old man where he lives, a grand stone house outside London that comes complete with a Rolls in the car park. While there, M spends his time mounting butterflies in frames behind glass, a study known as lepidopterology. See. Bond films aren’t all fun and games, you can learn words that will come in handy the next time you watch “Jeopardy.” At Bonds wedding, M has another chance to show his human side when he and his old advisory Draco, the father of the bride, acknowledge their respect for each other.

Q: Outside of a nice cameo at Bonds wedding, Q’s only other scene sees him arguing against his own usefulness when he tells M he feels MI6s “special equipment is obsolete.” Not so sharp Q, you talked yourself out of the movie.

List of Gadgets:  It’s an irony of the series that gadgets would take a backseat in this, the first film to not feature Connery, after the actor made his desire to ditch the gimmicky gadgets well known. Q’s argument against the current equipment is he finds it too large, feeling micro devices, such as traceable radioactive pocket lint, is the future. Strange then, that the sole gadget in the film is slightly smaller than a Subzero refrigerator. After Bond breaks into Blofeld’s attorney’s office, he steps out on the balcony to receive delivery of the huge safe cracker via a Draco Construction crane. The oversized device also serves as a photocopier; handy for duping any documents one may find in a safe. The other gadgets are refreshingly low-teck including a mini spy camera and a lock pick Bond fashions from a ruler, a rubber eraser and binder clips. I was also quite impressed at Bond improvisation skills when he ripped the pockets from his trousers to project his hands while he climbs out on a cable.

Gadgets/British Government Property Bond Destroys: Some good news for the British tax payer; almost none. In a nod to the lack of destruction Q observes “007 has no respect for government property” when Bond’s hat is crushed.

Other Property Destroyed: Bond gets in a fight that leaves Tracy’s hotel room looking like Keith Moon was the last occupant. It’s not exactly destruction but it’s worth noting Bond steels the corrupt lawyers copy of Playboy. On the sloops Bond splits a ski, forcing him to navigate half of the mountain on a single stick. After shooting it up some, Draco’s men blowup the Piz Gloria. While pursuing Tracy’s red Mercury Cougar Fraulein Bunt’s car flips and explodes sending an ice auto race into chaos. Finally, at the very end of the film, Bond’s car gets shot up. I’m assuming the car is Bond’s private auto because, unlike the Goldfinger Aston Martin, its windscreen is tragically not bulletproof.

Felix Leiter: No CIA support and little help from Her Majesty’s Secrete Service for that matter. Bond is mostly rouge this go around, finding support from Draco in the form of information and man power, including a mysterious blond dude who outside of getting the safe cracker to 007 is mostly bumbling and useless. Kind of like Felix…

Best One Liners/Quips: So many good ones here to choose from, Lazenby delivers the dry one-liners with easy. When Tracy walks away from Bond in disgust, her father tell Bond “she likes you, I can see it” to which Bond responds “You must give me the name of your oculist.” Lazenby is also down right intimidating in a way Connery never really was. After Bond slaps Tracy she cringes telling 007 “you’re hurting me.” Bond responds “I thought that was the idea for tonight.” Ice cold babe. But the winner by a landslide has to be Blofeld’s “I have taught you to love chickens.”

Bond Cars: Aston Martin DBS V8. The dark green auto is not to be confused with the famous tricked out grey DB5 from Goldfinger. Despite the fact that this car seems to be “gadget free” clearly some force is at work that allows Bond and Tracy to drive in deep beach sand. In a nod to the ERA movement, the Bond girl gets a hot ride as well, a red 1969 Ford Mercury Cougar convertible which the skilled Tracy races on an ice covered track while being pursued by a car full of machine gun tooting meanies. In addition to helicopter, gondola and mountain train Bond also takes a trip in horse draw sleigh. Now that never happened to the other fellow.

Bond Timepiece: Rolex Chronograph as IDed by my wife the watch expert and confirmed by Google the everything expert. The watch is silver, has indexes in the place of numerals, and sold for GBP 23,400 ($41,000) at auction in 2003.

Other Notable Bond Accessories: Bond has his trusty Walther PPK as well as a snipers rifle in the glovey. He also has the Sir Hilary disguise consisting of glasses, a pipe, and a preppy overcoat. This brings us to an issue that must be addressed, Bond’s wardrobe. Fashion is a funny thing; while a look maybe hip and cutting edge one year, the same look can feel embarrassingly dated the next. Connery was outfitted mostly in classic suits and tuxedos in the earlier films, looks that never really go out, like a white T-shirt and a pair of basic Levis. Lazenby is a good looking man but he is sadly clad in rejects from Austin Powers’s closet in an effort to make Bond look “now,” now being 1969. Hence, the unfortunate ruffled shirt with his evening tux, the silly kilt get up, and the surprisingly retro cool ski outfit complete with goggles that Johnny Deep brought back as Willy Wonka in 2005.  Fans also learn Bond is not above sentimental nostalgia. After quitting HMSS Bond pulls a flask from his desk and reflects upon his time as a double 00 while looking at the white knife belt worn by Honey Rider in Dr. No, Grants fishing wire wristwatch from From Russia With Love, and the pocket size underwater breather from Thunderball (1965). It’s kind of cool to think of Bond holding on to these items. Finally, I’m not sure where this goes so here it is, we learn a little about Commander Bond’s linage when he visits the College of Arms. His family crest, dating back to the 17^th century, has the phrase “The World is Not Enough” as part of it’s design. In fact, the college traces the Bond name back to 1387 when his however many times great granddad was a knight of the realm.

Number of Drinks 007 Consumes: 7! Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! Oy, Oy, Oy! Like any self respecting man from down under, Mr. Lazenby can put em back. At the casino he orders a Dom ’57 which he ends up bring to Tracy’s suite along with caviar for two. Draco knows his man’s drink and delivers a martini, shaken, not stirred. The pull from the flask while Bond is cleaning out his desk is one of the most deserved drinks our hero has. It’s more champagne with Draco and Tracy at the bullfight. As Sir Hilly, Bond orders malt whisky and branch water giving me a flashback to my college days in Pennsylvania where bourbon and branch was a drink of chose. Hilly then has some red wine with dinner in a scene that could have come right out of the TV show “Playboy After Dark.” Finally, what to do if you’re being chased by thugs with guns, you have nowhere to escape, and it’s negative 10F outside? Sit and have a beer to warm you’re bones, of course.

Bond’s Gambling Winnings: No sooner does Bond settle down at the baccarat table in the posh casino when in walks trouble. Tracy takes an ill advised card on five and ends up loosing 3000 Franks, a sum Bond quickly pays as he leaves the table having seen almost no action. A location note, the royal purple gaming room is in The Casino Estoril in Lisbon, Portugal. This is the very gambling den Ian Fleming visited during WWII which served as the inspiration for “Casino Royale” and the Bond character. Speaking of locations …

List of Locations: I’m pleased to report the locations are used much more effectively then they were in You Only Live Twice. In addition the magnificent Casino Estoril, Portugal supplies the beautiful Guincho Beach for the open and an incredible estate for Bond and Tracy’s wedding as well as the bullfight. On to England, London is the sight of the College of Arms and the scenes for M’s house are shot at Thames Lawn, a riverfront mansion in Marlow. The rest of the film takes place in Switzerland, from the old city capital of Bern (the lawyers office) to the mountain village of Lauterbrunnen. From the moment Bond steps off the train, Lauterbrunnen is exactly what I picture as a Swiss ski town. After watching Bond bob and weave through a crowded winter carnival and run down the towns stone alleyways I wanted to jump on a plane and get myself to the Alps, as it should be after watching a Bond film. The other Swiss Alps location is Murren where the skiing, bobsledding, gondola, Mt. hideout and avalanche scenes were shot. The avalanche, over a mile wide, was real, being set off by film makers blasting dynamite in pre-determined locations on top of the mountain. I would have loved to have been sipping cocktails on a deck overlooking the slops that day.

Bonds Special Abilities Displayed: Bond 2.0 comes equipped with brand spankin’ new powers on both the mental and physical fronts. Bond proves himself to be not only a connoisseur of drink, but of perfume IDing Tracy’s scent with one whiff. While getting “escorted” to Draco’s office Bond takes out all four abductors, manages get a knife off one, and throws the blade into Draco’s wall calendar. “But today is the thirteenth Mr. Bond.” “I’m superstitious.” He also impresses M with his knowledge of lepidopterology and after “reading up on the technical side of heraldry” he is able to fool Blofeld into thinking he’s a genealogist, for a while anyway. For the first time in the series, our hero proves to be a master of disguise. While posing as the upper crust genealogist Bond takes a crack at Curling, falls on his arse, and ends up getting several dates for the evening. Leading us to undoubtedly the most impressive upgrade; the new Alpine package. Not only can 007 2.0 ski, he can shred like Bode Miller after an all night bender. At one point Bond loose a ski and manages to mono stick down the mountain while avoiding machine gun fire, he can leap Swiss chalets in a single bound, and he out skis an avalanche … almost. The final winter Olympic event Bond takes the gold in is the bobsled. Bobsleds in 1969 were not the fiberglass Corvettes we have today but more like glorified toboggans with stunt kite like rope mechanism used for steering. Needless to say, Bond navigates the trenches like champ, and even lands a few punches to Blofeld’s bald head in the bargain. The other fellow never had to do that.

Thoughts on Film: Any film with a train has to have something going for it. Add skiing, gambling, shagging and shooting and you have the makings of a classic Bond. But at the time of On Her Majesty’s Secret Service’s release, the film met with quite a bit of resistance. The primary issue was Lazenby, or more accurately, the fact the film didn’t star Connery. Over 40 years and six Bonds down the road, the sight of a different man in the tux sipping martinis is not as jarring as it once was but at the time, Sir Sean’s was Bond; all other’s need not apply. Picture replacing Harrison Ford in the Indian Jones series and you get something of an idea of how cemented the image of Connery as Bond was.  (Truth be told, fans are still ultra protective of their hero. Remember the uproar over the casting of Daniel Craig? A blond Bond? Heresy!) The man from Oz does indeed bring something different to the party. His 007 is less cocky, more contemplative, and a lot less obvious than his predecessor. Choices big and small made Bond more three dimensional; the quick aside where Jimmy B gobbles down caviar like M&M’s, the subtle slamming of a swing gate into the kidnappers knees at the warehouse, the knowing looks with Mrs. Moneypenny, and the intelligent adult interaction with Diana Rigg are touches Lazenby uses to make Bond more human. But there are also holes, perhaps because Lazenby wasn’t an actor or perhaps because he didn’t quite get 007. In a 2002 LA Times article, Lazenby admits “At the time, I didn’t understand that part of life — the dark side of what killing does, and [Bond] would do it because he had this [dispassionate] quality.” Ultimately, each generation gets the Bond they deserve and Lazenby’s confusion about the violent side of the character indeed made him a Bond for his time. The late 60’s saw the entire world questioning when violence was appropriate, if ever. In addition to a conscience, the plot gives Bond an anti-establishment bend (Bond defies orders and teams up with the mafia) coupled with vulnerability. Add the gritty look of the film, the use of real locations, and the scenes of foreboding that hangs over the entire enterprise and the 1969 release feels like what we have come to think of as a “70’s movie.” At one point, Bond is being chased through a crowded winter carnival by gunmen. He has no weapon of his own, and Lazenby is truly naked and nervous. He hides in the crowd, ducking and weaving as he (and we) feel the baddies closing in. In a quick cut, we see Bond bump into a cackling man in bear suit. 007 is jolted into a state of panic that Connery never experienced. Lazenby escapes the bear and the crowd but he gets no reprieve. He ends up slouching down in a chair, siping on a beer, with the look of a man whose fate is sealed. They are going to find him, and when they do, for the first time perhaps, Bond’s not sure what he will do. At this low point, Bond sees a pair of ice skates attached to stunning pair of legs stop in front of him. As he looks up, the fear melts away. When Bond finally meets Tracy’s eyes, he recognizes he is not only saved, but for the first time in his life, he has a reason to live. James Bond, in that moment, realizes he’s in love. This is heavy lifting for the first time actor and Lazenby is up to the task…almost. This is not to imply the film is not fun, the skiing, the fight in a bell shop, and the sweeping shots of the mountains deliver the fun and action a Bond film demands. But the heart of the film, a point I’ve been skating around this entire time, is Bond’s mature, deep and truly loving relationship with his doomed bride. On the bonus DVD, director Peter Hunt says he felt the film should have ended with the wedding. Indeed, the shot where Bond and Tracy drive off in the Aston Martin has a “credits will now roll” feel. Hunt shot the last three minutes of the film thinking the Tracy shooting would be the pre-credit sequence to the next Bond entry. Thinking along those lines, that follow up film would have been something to see; Bond’s wife is murdered in the opening moments and 007 goes on a Kill Bill like revenge quest to hunt down Blofeld. For whatever reason, perhaps because Lazenby announced he would not return, the tragic death ends this movie. The final shot shows Lazenby holding his dead bride in his arms, behind a cracked windshield, a visually cue announcing Bond can not see what is ahead. Lazbeny confirms he is blinded when he explains “It’s all right. It’s quite all right, really. She’s having a rest. We’ll be going on soon. There’s no hurry, you see. We have all the time in the world.” This ending is a devastating punch to the gut. After six films of Bond as the swashbuckling, bullet proof, devil-may-care hero, I can’t imagine 1969 audiences were prepared to see a broken Bond take zero action as the villain drives away. But time has been kind to Mr. Lazenby and his only Bond film, and in some circles, this dark, more serious film is seen as the best in series. It doesn’t quite reach those heights but it is a daring reinvention and Lazenby, giving his unique spin to the character, is far better than I expected. Coming off the disappointing let down that was You Only Live Twice, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service was a much need jolt to the system that not only taught me to love chickens, but to love Bond again. Hallelujah!

Martini ratings:



You Only Live Twice

Title: You Only Live Twice

Year: 1967. The fifth James Bond film hit movie houses in June, 18 months after Thunderball (1965), the longest hiatus between 007 pictures up to this point. The reason; one Sean Connery. In a November 1965 interview with Playboy Magazine, Connery discussed his future as Bond. “I have only two more Bonds to do… On Her Majesty’s Secret Service and possibly You Only Live Twice. They would like to start On Her Majesty’s Secret Service in Switzerland in January, but I’m not sure I’ll be free in time and I don’t want to rush it, although they say the snow will be at its best then. I’m not going to rush anything anymore.” Thanks to the non-rushing Sir Sean, shooting on Bond 5 didn’t start until June ‘66, way to late for the skiing heavy OHMSS. So, EON was forced to move YOLT up in the queue. This was the first in a series of events that would conspire to make You Only Live Twice the first Bond film to take a step backwards, and a giant step at that.

Film Length: 1 hour 57 minutes

Bond Actor: Sean Connery. When shooting began in the summer of ‘66, Bond producers Cubby Broccoli and Harry Saltzman had a big problem on their hands; a very unhappy leading man who also happened to be the face of their multimillion dollar franchise. Connery’s disenchantment didn’t happen overnight. After staring in four demanding films in as many years, the man was simply exhausted. Never comfortable with the publicity side of Bond, while filming Thunderball (1965) in Bermuda, Connery was working long days and having to do interviews at night adding to his fatigue. It was during one of those interviews that Connery let it be known he was also becoming concerned with the direction Bond was headed telling Playboy “Each succeeding film has got bigger and the gimmicks trickier. But we have to be careful where we go next, because I think with Thunderball we’ve reached the limit as far as size and gimmicks are concerned … So all the gimmicks now have been done. And they are expected. What is needed now is a change of course–more attention to character and better dialog.” Additionally, Connery was afraid of being swallowed by 007 telling Rolling Stone in November of 1983 “I’d been an actor since I was twenty-five but the image the press put out was that I just fell into this tuxedo and started mixing vodka martinis. And, of course, it was nothing like that at all. I’d done television, theater, a whole slew of things. But it was more dramatic to present me as someone who had just stepped in off the street.” By the spring of 1966, the Bond star was not only arguing with Cubby Broccoli about slowing the pace of the series, Connery was also pushing to become a partner in the 007 franchise. When shooting started for You Only Live Twice Broccoli and Saltzman had let be know that wasn’t going to happen. All this, plus the sci-fi theme of the new film, pushed Connery to make a dramatic announcement in the middle of production; the current Bond film would be his last.

Director: Lewis Gilbert. Even thought Connery “officially” quit mid-production, EON saw the writing on the wall much earlier, and they had a strong hunch that they would be loosing their James Bond. Consequently, they made the first of many decisions that would backfire horribly. In an effort to wrestle control of the franchise back into their hands the producers got rid of most off-camera talent that made Bond a success in the first place. Simultaneously, they saw an opportunity to cash in on the publicity surrounding Connery’s swan song. Broccoli and Saltzman company line to the press was they assembled a new team behind the camera to give Bond a “fresh look” and make this “the biggest Bond yet!” The new creative crew started with the hiring of first time Bond director Lewis Gilbert. Gilbert, who would helm two more Bond films in the late 70’s, was hot off Alfie (1966), a smash hit in Britain that made leading man Michael Caine a household name. Gilbert turned the job down when Broccoli first called, forcing the producer to call back and refused to take no for an answer. With Gilbert in the directors chair, cinematographer Freddie Young, who won raves for his camera work in Lawrence of Arabia (1962) and Doctor Zhivago (1965) was next to come on board.

Finally, childrens writer Roald Dahl was brought in to adapt Fleming’s novel. Dahl would go on to pen Chitty Chitty Bang Bang (1968) and Willy Wonka &The Chocolate Factory (1971), but at the time he wrote Bond, he had no screenwriting credits to his name. Accomplished artist all, the supposed “dream team” of talent would soon discover that making “big dumb fun” entertainment like Bond is not as easy as it looks.

Reported Budget: $9,500,000 estimated, the biggest yet. One set alone, a volcano that would act as SPECTRE’S base of operations, cost $1 million to build on the sound stage at Pinewood Studios in England. Masters of publicity, Saltzman and Broccoli took delight in telling anyone who would listen that this single set cost as much as the entire budget for Dr. No (1962); proof of how far Bond had come in five short years.

Reported Box-office: $43,084,787 (USA) $111,600,000 (Worldwide). Whoops. While not a bomb by any measure, the most expensive Bond yet took in less that the previous two; $20 million less than Thunderball in the states and $30 million less worldwide, making You Only Live Twice the first Bond film to show a drop-off in ticket sales. Part of reason was by 1967 theater goers were suffering from a bit of Bond fatigue. Flemings first Bond novel, “Casino Royale” (1953), the only Bond book that Saltzman and Broccoli failed to acquire, was released as a film only months prior to YOLT. However, outside of the title, Casino Royale (1967) had zero in common with the book. Producer Charlie Feldman owned the rights and wanted to partner with EON on the movie, an offer Saltzman and Broccoli refused. So Feldman set out to make a bigger, more expensive Bond film that turned into what Mark Harris called in “Pictures at the Revolution” a $12 million dollar sinkhole.  Six directors and at least 17 screen writers including Woody Allen, Terry Southern, and Billy Wilder took a whack at the movie that featured half a dozen Bonds including one played by Peter Sellers. Producers took what should have been a red flag and made it a selling point, crowing that none of the directors knew what the other five were doing. The psychedelic poster that promised “Casino Royale is too much … for one Bond” got people into theaters before the bad word of mouth spread and despite terrible reviews Royale not only made it’s money back, it became the third highest grossing film of 1967. Additionally, Adolfo Celi who played Emilio Largo in Thunderball appeared in the James Bond spoof Operation Kid Brother (1967) starring none other than Neil Connery, Sean’s brother. Needless to say, I’ll be writing about both of these films at some point in the future. Any who, Time magazine excused the less-than-stellar earnings for the latest Bond film saying it was “a victim of the same misfortune that once befell Frankenstein: there have been so many flamboyant imitations that the original looks like a copy.” While I’m sure that was part of it, I also think the issue may have been You Only Live Twice, on top of having a terrible title, kind of sucks. In fact, it’s a credit to the strength of the Bond Brand that the franchise was able to recover from the double whammy of this poor movie and loosing its star. Harris says as much, writing the weak returns for You Only Live Twice “signaled a dip in Bond’s drawing power that would not turn around until the late 70’s.”

Theme Song: “You Only Live Twice” performed by Nancy Sinatra. I’m not really sure what to say here, so I’ll let Nancy tell the story. I love me “These Boots are Made for Walking.” I truly believe Nancy’s vocals on Walking mark one of the best performances in Rock and Roll. But this Bond theme is simply dreary and dreadful.

Opening Titles: Like the theme song, the titles are the weakest to this point. It’s a Japanese theme, with lots of Asian lady’s eyes (how exotic!) looking into the camera while lava blasts paint the background. Coupled with the theme song, it’s difficult to make it to the end of the opening credits, not a good sign of things to come.

Opening Action Sequence: Space. The final frontier. These are the voyages of … Oh sorry got this confused with another late 60’s science fiction release. The film does indeed open in space, as an U.S. astronaut steps outside his capsule for a little spacewalk. The opening shot makes it crystal clear that Connery’s wish of less spectacle and more focus on dialoged and character was about as likely as Monneypenny and Bond settling down on a sheep farm in the hills of Scotland. The spaceships look like hooky 1950’s flying saucer on strings, a big disappointment for a series which has set the bar high when it comes to special effects. I know it’s only 1967 but the TV show “Star Trek” (1966-69) looked better and Kubrick’s 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968) was only a year away. I don’t expect the space stuff here to look even half as good as the groundbreaking Kubrick film but this is, after all, the opening shot of the film. At least pretend some thought and effort went into it. The US space capsule is swallowed by a lager capsule that opens like the worm mouths in Dune (1984). In one of the few cool moments of the film, the space walking guy gets cut off from the shuttle and drifts off into space to die; this image, no matter how many times I see in countless films, still manages to hit me on gut level. We then quickly move to earth, Alaska I think, where a UN type meeting is in full swing under glass globe looking ceilings. The United States is furious with the Soviets for messing with their space program and denounces the kidnapping of the astronaut as an act of war. The burly bear of a Russian diplomat swears his country had nothing to do with it. The UK acts as the voice of reason, calling out the U.S. for jumping to conclusions. The Crown feels Japan may somehow be involved, “In fact, we have our man in Asia working on it right now.” Cut to Bond in bed with the sexy Ling (Tsai Chin.) Let’s take a moment to pause here, shall we. Before we even hit the opening credits we have gone from space to Alaska to Taiwan in a matter of minutes. Not only is this extremely chaotic, it breaks with the tradition of the opening set piece being a self contained bit of business. Even if the story is tied into the larger plot, the opening still acts as a stand alone with something of a beginning and end. Anyway, the first words out of Bonds mouth manage to be both sexist AND racist as he asks Ling why Chinese women taste different than other women, like Peking duck is different from Russian caviar. I shit you not. Ling, understandably pissed off by this bit of rudeness, pushes a button forcing the bed to flip upward into the wall, trapping Bond. Two men with machine guns enter and blow countless holes into the bed. English investigators arrive within seconds and declare Bond is dead, but at least he “died on the job, doing what he loved.” Ho-ho-ho!

Bond’s Mission: James Bond is dead and burred at sea in a Navel ceremony. The camera follows 007’s tightly wrapped body to the ocean floor and then picks up two divers approaching. They retrieve the body, bring it aboard a nearby submarine, crack open the wrapping around the body and out pops Bond, wearing a scuba tank. Long Live Bond and hence the title of the film! (All I could think was ‘wow, he didn’t spend enough time underwater in the previous film?’) On board the sub are Miss. Monnypenny and M, who informs Bond of the disappearing spacecraft and England’s Japanese theory. Neither M nor Bond are convinced Japan has the technology to pull off such a stunt, but who could? Bond’s job is to find out and oh, by the by, you have 20 days or WW III will breakout. Very good old man, so it’s into the torpedo tube with you then. Relax as we shoot you out onto a Japanese beach from where you will walk to Tokyo and hookup with you’re contact, Mr. Henderson, who will direct you from there. Yes, James Bond was shot out of a submarine’s torpedo tube. By this point in the film I knew we were in trouble and wished I could abandon ship as well. After arriving in Tokyo, Bonds first trip to Japan, 007 is followed by women who talk into radios hidden in their purses. Jimmy B then goes to a sumo match where he meets a Japanese woman who will bring him to Mr. Henderson but first … oh forget it. Really, the plot unrolls so sloppily and half-assed it’s clear the filmmakers don’t care so neither should I. All you need concern yourself with is Bond has 20 days to find who has been launching the rocket that’s been stealing the other rockets. The question becomes how will 007 do this? Bond eventually meets up with Tiger (Tetsuro Tanba), the “M” of the Japanese secret service, who comes up with a three point plan. In order to carry out the mission Bond must 1) get married 2) become a ninja and 3) become Japanese. Again, I shit you not.

Villain’s Plot: Simply put; our baddies plan is to steal both the US and USSR’s spacecraft pitting the superpowers against each other until they start World War III. In 1967 the space race was on, and the U.S found themselves in second place. Three NASA astronauts had died in a launch pad fire earlier in the year and the US was fearful of falling to far behind their cold war adversary, lest the commies would control space and be able to launch weapons capable of taking over the world. Inserting Japan into the mix was another ripped from the headlines plot point. The Asian island nation was recovering quite nicely from WWII and was on the verge of become a major player in the international business world, stoking fears on Wall St. However, Japan was a long way off from a rocket launch, so what mad man could not only dream up such a plot but also have the finances to pull off such a diabolical scheme?

Villain’s Name: #1, or as he is named, and seen, for the first time, Ernst Stavro Blofeld. We don’t get conformation of #1’s involvement until about 2/3^rd of the way through the film when a chair spins to reveal a white cat being stroked on a lap. This should have been a great moment but it feels like to little way to late, just like the big reveal when we finally see Blofelds face. After three films of hiding in the shadows, seeing the face of evil itself should have packed more of a punch. By now, Bond fans know what Blofeld and his SPECTRE origination are all about, but in case you forgot, as Blofeld tells his Japanese business partners “Extortion is my business.”

Villain Actor: Donald Pleasence, who was a last second replacement when the original actor cast as #1 was in director Lewis Gilbert’s words not scary enough and “too Santa Clause.” Pleasence began acting on the London stage in 1939 and was shot down in WWII when he was serving in the Royal Air Force. He became famous as the blind Lt. Colin Blythe or “The Forger” in the classic The Great Escape (1963). Pleasence was the only actor in that superstar ensemble cast to actually be held in a POW camp and served as an unofficial advisor to the director. However, for me and those of my generation, Pleasence is most likely remembered for his work in John Carpenter films, playing Michael Myers shrink Dr. Sam Loomis in Halloween (1978) and the president of the United States in Escape From New York (1981)

Villain’s Lair: As I was watching this film I didn’t recall much and felt at points that I somehow may have missed it growing up; that was until I saw the volcano hideout. I remember simply loving the hidden volcano base as a kid and at first glance, it’s truly impressive. It’s freaking huge. The creator lake moves away so rockets and helicopters can take off and land. Monorails zip to and fro transporting equipment and workers. These works have different jobs which are determined by the color of their uniforms. These red dudes, yellow dudes, and white dudes running all around brought up another childhood memory, Lego Spacemen.

Blofeld was supposed to operate out of a castle on a cliff by the sea, as he does in the Fleming novel, but location scouts could find no such place in Japan. What they did find was a bunch of volcanoes so the idea was hatched for the secret mountain base. The $1 million set featured a movable helicopter platform, a working monorail, and a launch pad with a full size rocket that could be raised 50 ft into the air. To build one of the largest sets ever assembled for a film it took 700 tons of structural steel, 200 miles of tubular steel 200 tons of plaster 500,000 tubular couplings, over 250,000 square yards of canvas and a shitload of hubris. For this much time and money the thing should have been perfect, but set designers cheeped out on details that drag the whole affair down. The cars on the monorails are bouncy and look like chinchy cardboard cut outs. The control room is nothing special; just lots of switches and blinking lights. Even Blofeld’s office, which has some nice details, cheats on others. The main feature of his impressive room is a bridge over a Parana filled moat. After the sharks in Thunderball, which we actually see, bubbling green water that we are told is the home to Parana just doesn’t cut the mustard. Also, the office is never established or lived in. Blofild runs in, feeds the fish, and splits. It feels underused and rushed. On another note, the good guys get a cool lair in this film as well. Bond is chasing a girl through a hallway when the floor opens up and 007 sides down a chute, eventually landing in a chair. This is the office of Tiger Tanaka. As the head of Japanese Secret service he stays off the streets and gets around on his own private subway. Dude has a private train where he hangs out and drinks Saki! He also has an amazing house that comes complete with gardens, baths, and women to bathe you while in said baths. He also has a castle where he runs his own ninja training school, but we will get to that later…

Villain’s Coolest Accessory/ Trait: We already knew about Blofild’s cat and propensity to whack SPECTRE employees that fall into disfavor but we learn here he also has a nasty scar over his left eye.

Badassness of Villain: Look I love Donald Pleasence. I really do. I cried at the end of The Great Escape when he, a blind man, is one of the only POWs to make it out of Germany. Pleasence screaming “You are the Duke of New York, you’re A number one!” is one of my most quoted movie lines. So I hate to say it, but Donald Pleasence as #1 just isn’t that badass. This is a character who’s been built up for three films now. In this movie, #1 is ready to start freaking WWIII and blow up half the plant.  When his loyal #11 fails to kill Bond, she becomes lunch for the Parana. At the end of the film, Blofild gets away by blowing up his volcano, killing all those cute Lego dudes he had working for him. This is one cold blooded guy. He runs SPECTRE for crying out loud! But once we finally meet him, he just doesn’t seem that badass. In fact, he comes across as kind of old and feeble. I don’t blame Pleasence, I suspect it’s the fault of the film around him and the director for not getting a better performance.

Villain’s Asides/ Henchmen: Mr. Osato (Teru Shimada) is the owner of Osato Chemical and Engineering Company. SPECTRE loves using evil business men as fronts and I like the symbolism of dirty CEO’s in bed with global terrorist. Mr. Osato’s secretary is Helga Brandt (Karin Dor) or #11. She functions as kind of a poor mans Fiona Volpe, the Thunderball femme fatale who was a much better assassin and much smarter in her handling of Bond. Helga captures Bond, has him tied up, is about to slice his face, but ends up banging him instead. Post-coitus, the two take off in a small plane where 007 promises Helga he can get her to England and protect her. In response, she locks Jimmy B into his seat, and jumps out with the only parachute. Why didn’t she shoot Bond when she had him tied up? Why bother with the plane? Channeling my inner Ebert, the reason is so we, the paying audience, can get a sequence where we see a girl parachuting and Bond has a chance to escape a doomed aircraft seconds before it explodes. This is just one of several points in the film where the action sequences and special effects serve not the plot, but exist simply so things can go boom. Anyway, due to her failure to disposes of 007, we know what happens to poor #11. (Helga “#11” Brandt) There is also Hans, a personal bodyguard/ errand boy for Blofeld who is mostly useless and a shadow of From Russia With Love’s (1963) SPECTRE killer Grant. In fact, all of the characters in this film are second rate; they feel like flat versions of baddies that came before.

Bond Girl Actress: We are graced with two Bond girls in this film, Akiko Wakabayashi and Mie Hama. Both actresses were big names in Japanese film and both were extremely excited to be making their English speaking debut in such a high profile role. In a story that is 10 times more interesting that anything that happens on screen, both ladies were sent to England prior to filming so they could learn English. Wakabayashi picked up the language fairly quickly but Mie Hama struggled mightily. So much so that when she showed up on set and started reading lines Gilbert quickly concluded she would not work for the role. He contacted the casting agent who hired her and told him to take Hama out for a nice dinner and let her down gently. The casting director reported back to Gilbert the next day with news that he refused to fire the girl and Hama must stay in the picture. When asked why, the casting director said that Hama had informed him she could not return to Japan having been fired. The shame would simply be too great. She said that if she were fired, she would kill herself by jumping out of her hotel room window, which was several stories high. So, Hama stayed in the film, and the two leading lades switched roles giving Wakabayashi the more dialog heavy part. One last note, for what it’s worth, Mie Hama, in what had become a Bond girl tradition at this point, posed in Playboy, making her the first Asian woman to do so.

Bond Girl’s Name: Aki (Wakabayashi) and Kissy Suzuki (Hama). Aki, who meets Bond at a sumo match, is Tiger’s right hand woman and quite a competent spy in her own right. She successful lures Bond into Tigers trap hallway and saves his life twice; both times zipping in at the last second in her hot little white Japanese made Toyota 2000GT. (The breaks work and the gas doesn’t stick.) The second time Bond and Aki are trying to get away from a car full of four gun men, she radios Tiger who sends out a helicopter equipped with a magnet which picks up the gunmen’s car and drops it into the sea. Not bad. Then there is Kissy Suzuki; where to even begin? She too is an agent who works for Tiger, and she is the woman who Tiger sets Bond up to marry. As I mentioned, the first part of this plan is to make Bond Japanese. This is accomplished by surrounding Connery, I mean Bond, with five Asian women who shave his chest, dress him in a komono, and give him a wig that makes him look more like the fifth Beatle than anything remotely Asian. Then it’s simply a matter of the 6’2” Scotsman walking around hunched over and waalaa! There you go, he’s Japanese. The next step is to marry, Yes marry, a “pig faced” villager so Bond can “blend in” to a small fishing community and see if the locals know anything about rockets being launched nearby. Apparently, one of Tigers men couldn’t simply walk in and ask. Nor could Kissy, who after all has lived in the village all her life. So, Bond is to marry, yes marry! Kissy in a Japanese ceremony. They do (but not really, it was just for show) and later that night they learn the U.S. has moved up the launch date of their latest space mission and the SPECTRE launch sight must be found sooner rather than later. Now, if Aki gets points for saving Bond twice than Kissy should have a statue erected in Piccadilly Circus for her service to the crown. Bond and Kissy, clad in nothing but a white bikini, jump into a fishing boat and go explore a lava cave by the sea which, it turns out, is full of poison gas. To get away, the two jump into the water and swim a good 50 meters underwater. Bond concludes the cave starts all the way at the top of the volcano and asks Kissy “Do you think you can make it?” She answers “Of course, is business” and for the remainder of the film, Kissy is all business. The bikini sporting Kissy runs up the side of a HUGE volcano, all the way to the top of the creator. She and Bond then climb down the other side and discover it’s the SPECTRE hideout. “I’ll go check this out. You go get Tiger and tell him to bring every man he’s got.” Right O Bond San! Kissy then runs back up to the top of the creator, back down the other side, jumps into ocean, and while swimming the God knows how many miles to get to Tiger, she dodges machine gun fire from a helicopter that’s right on top of her.

She then gets Tiger and his army of ninja’s, runs back up the volcano, and back down into the creator where she avoids more machine gun fire. Then she repels into the creator, dangling like a sitting duck while every Logo guy in the joint is shooting at her. Somehow, she makes it to the bottom and joins the ninja’s in a huge battle with the Lego Spacemen. Please keep in mind, she is still wearing nothing more than a white bikini. She fights in this battle and then jumps in the water, and swims over a mile down the lava cave while the volcano explodes. She makes it out to the sea without a scratch, climbs aboard a raft with Bond and is ready to do the nasty…that is until they are interrupted by a submarine emerging under the raft. I mean, this chick is insane!

Bond Girl Sluttiness: That Kissy Suzuki is a hard nut to crack. Despite being “married” yes MARRIED! to Bond she insist on separate beds on their wedding night, forcing Bond to forego his oyster dinner. But then, during the first trip up the volcano mountain she gets randy and starts in on Bond, only to be interrupted by more damn helicopters. She also strikes out when the sub comes up under the raft at the end of the film, so the two, despite being married, THAT’S WHAT I SAID, MARRIED! never get to consummate their vows making Kissy the first Bond girl that Bond doesn’t sleep with.

Bond Girls Best Pick-up Line: Aki upon learning Bond will be working with her, “I think I will enjoy very much serving under you.” Ugh, eye rolling bad.

Bond’s Best Pick-up Line: Bond awakes to find himself tied to a chair, captured by Helga Brandt. Helga “I’ve got you now.” Bond “Well, enjoy yourself.” He gets a good slap for that one, but it was worth it.

Number of Woman 007 Beds: 2. He was to sleep with Ling in the open but then that whole murder thing happened before he could “finish his massage.” After getting washed by the bathing beauties at Tigers house he “finishes the massage” with Aki. For the record, the bath scene is outright uncomfortable. Bond walks into the bathroom with Tiger. While the women strip the men Tiger promises 007 his “first civilized bath.” Bond, while eyeing the women, replies that he “likes the plumbing.” Both men, now naked, sit next to each other as the women sponge them off. “In Japan men always come first, women come second.” Tiger informs Bond who quips “I may just retire to here.” The scene is cringe worthy and unintentionally hysterical all at once. Anyway, afterward Bond and Aki go at it just because. Really, there is zero reason at all for this to happen. He also sleeps with Helga “#11” Brandt in her cabin on the boat before she tries to kill him on the plane. Bond gets one more go with Aki, this time in his Chinaman disguise. And by the way, Dude, Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature…

Miss. Moneypenny: Lois Maxwell is always a bright spot in the films, and this dreary affair needs all the help it can get. We find our favorite executive assistant not in her costmary London digs but on board a British sub and in uniform to boot. Bond walks in to her office after his funeral and, thankfully, finds the hat rack to toss his cover upon. As Bond is walking out, Monnypenny tosses a Japanese language book at 007 who responds that he studied Asian languages at Cambridge, giving audiences the best peek into Bonds past since Dr. No (1962).

M: Also on the sub, he must settle for dreary digs and not his grand office in London. M too is in his Navel uniform, wearing his dress whites. Bond, for the record is also in uniform, blue, the first time we have seen his so dressed. Anyway, M debriefs Bond and then shoots him out a torpedo tube.

Q: Poor Desmond Llewelyn. Connery made it clear he felt gadgets were taking on to big of a role in the Bond films and over-showing character. As a result, Q gets the short stick in You Only Live Twice. Keep in mind, this is a movie where Connery becomes a ninja, becomes Japanese, and gets shot out of a torpedo tube for Christ sakes and he’s upset about a few silly props? Regardless, Q is under written and I think he may have even been a last minute addition to film. The only gadget he provides was not in the original script and was a late add-on.

List of Gadgets: On the bonus DVD, the production designer admits “Little Nellie” was shoehorned into the plot after he heard an interview on BBC radio with Wing Commander Ken Wallis of the Royal Air Force. On that program, Commander Wallis described a one man portable auto-gyro; basically a mini single seat helicopter. The production designer tracked Wallis down and convinced him to bring the contraption to Japan and pilot it for the film. I’m sure this thing was a blast to fly around (or maybe not, a camera man lost a leg in a crashed while shooting one of the 85 flights required to get the scene) but as a Bond film gadget it’s severely lacking. It’s delivered by Q in four suitcases and assembled quickly. Q then dutifully lists the toys that come with the aircraft including machine guns, missiles, rear flame throwers, sky mines, and heat seeking missiles. No sooner does Q get done running down the items than Bond is off and being chased by four helicopters, robbing us of the fun game of guessing what gadget will be used and how. Quick, you get three guess as to how Bond will take care of each of the four helicopters. You’re first two guesses don’t count. This all just happens way too quickly and feels like it was throw in to have a chase scene featuring the new toy, which is exactly what happened. It is a self contained seven minutes in which Q comes, tells Bond about the four weapons, Bond takes off and uses the four weapons, land the aircraft in the airport he took of from, and then the film starts back up again where is left off prior to Q’s arrival. Remove it and the movie would play the same, all be it tighter by seven minutes. Again, action for actions sake. One last note, Bond, no matter what, should always look cool. While flying this lame looking bird, Connery is forced to wear the dumbest looking helmet I think I’ve ever seen in a movie outside of Mick Jagger’s lid in Freejack (1992).

The helmet is equipped with a helmet cam, basically, a Nikon lenses sticking out the front. Terrible. OK, other gadget’s, none of which are supplied by Q. Bond is equipped with a safe cracker he uses to get Osato Chemical documents. Remember that ninja training school I keep threatening to explain? Not yet…but while there Bond gets “rocket bullets” which are exactly what they sound like and a pack of cigarettes that when smoked shoot out an explosive mini-dart. He also has big suction cups he can attach to his hands and knees so he can crawl on a wall like Spiderman and he blows a lock to a door that jails the captured astronauts… somehow.

Number of People 007 Kills: 19, none of them very memorable but some of them quite ridiculous. Take Mr. Henderson’s assassin for instance. Mr. Henderson, Bond’s English contract who has lived in Japan for over 20 years, is stabbed by an Asian assassin who is wearing a mask. This is covenant because after Jimmy B kills him, 007 can put the dead dudes mask on and jump into the back of his get away car. The driver then not only takes Bond to Osato’s office building, but he carries him up to the top floor! While escaping from this office building Bond shoots a kills a guy in the parking lot. At some point Bond and Aki end up at the docks so a battle can ensue where deck-hands of all stripes try to kill the superspy. Here, he shoots three dudes. Then, there is “Little Nellie.” While flying the mini-copter Bond takes out four helicopters, each being flown by a single pilot. That’s four dead dudes, one by missiles, one by flame thrower, one by sky mines, and the last by heat seeking sidewinders. If you think I’m lacking energy in the telling of this, you should see Connery as he’s actually doing it. He is so bored, wearing this dorky helmet while sitting in front of green screen, that he doesn’t even try to hide his contempt. He supposed to be narrowly avoiding machine gun fire and he looks like he’s about to fall asleep. While at the ninja school Bond kills a guy (Tiger “This man is a stranger to me.”) who attempts to stab him. Then there is the final ninja battle in the volcano hideout. This is terribly edited and looks like a bunch of guys run around in smoke, occasionally jumping on trampolines.

While watching this I thought back to the pride Young took choreographing the action sequences for From Russia With Love and got depressed. Anyway, in making his way through the chaos Bond kills an engineer with a cigarette death dart, shoots one guy, gets three more with a grenade (we know Bond killed them because they fly into the air, just like one would when jumping on a trampoline!), shoots another dude, and finally, kills a guy with a Chinese star, just like the ones you can buy at the local flee market from a guy who look like Matthew McConaughey in Dazed and Confused (1993). Bond then confronts Hans, who after a brief tussle with 007, ends up in the Parana tank, sleeping with the fishes.  That makes 18 dead at Bonds hand. One more to go…

Most Outrageous Death/s: Bond, in full on Japanese disguises, enters Aki’s room at night. “Tiger say, you must a do everything a Japanese style” Aki tells Bond before they do the nasty (Japanese style?) The two fall asleep and an assassin crawls into the room, hiding in the rafters above the sleeping couple. He unwinds a single piece of string until the end of it rests just above Bonds mouth. He then applies a few drops of a deadly poison to the string and it slowly works its way down, getting closer and closer to Bonds lips. At the last second, 007 rolls over in his sleep and Aki rolls into his place. Bond is awaked by her choking and shoots the assassin dead. Within seconds, he figures out what has happened, and Aki is dead. This sequence is actually a stand out moment in this otherwise humdrum movie. It’s inventive, creates tension, and is a classic “Bond” moment that could very easily fit into any of the previous far superior films, perhaps the only moment in You Only Live Twice that can be said about.

Gadgets/British Government Property Bond Destroys: Sadly none. Bond is kind of on his own in Japan, since he supposed to be dead and all, and outside of “Little Nellie” he uses only stuff given to him by Tiger.

Other Property Destroyed: Bond trashes Mr. Osato’s office while battling a sumo thug who 007 defeats by breaking a statue over his head. He blows up the four SPECTRE helicopters and crash lands #11’s plane. In addition he does some damage in the volcano base and ultimately pushes a self-destruct button, destroying SPECTRE’S spaceship swallowing spaceship. Although it’s not Bonds fault, it’s worth noting that in order to escape from the volcano base, Ernst Blofeld forces the volcano to erupt, not only killing all who are left in the base … well, not all. Tiger, Kissy, the ninjas, and Bond make the mile swim through the lava cave, a lava cave that is somehow not overflowing with lava during this particular eruption and is free of the poison gas that filled it earlier, to safety. Anyway, not only does the erupting volcano kill anyone who didn’t make the swim but also, we must assume, anyone in the quaint fishing village that sits at the volcano base. Again, not directly Bond’s fault, but a good bit of Japan is destroyed, a small house cleaning matter the film has no time to concern itself with.

Felix Leiter: No Felix. Truth be told, as much as I took the piss out of the CIA man in the last film, we could have used him here. I’m a proud resident of New York and therefore considered American in most circles. As I’ve said a few times, I love how Felix is used as a stand in for American buffoonery. The character is a way for England, in the form of James Bond, to look superior. It’s a funny and appropriate running joke. However, in this film, the Americans are outright non-thinking jack-asses. They refuse to even consider England’s suggestion that Japan or more accurately, a third party operating undetected in Japan, might be responsible for the space kidnappings. Even after a Soviet spacecraft is abducted, the U.S. still refuses to believe anyone but Russia is involved. They even move up the launch date of a second mission, knowing full well the most likely outcome of this launch is going to be WWIII. If Felix, who has extensive experience with SPECTRE, were involved, I suspect even he would be sharp enough to connect the dots and convince the Dr. Strangelove generals that #1 was behind all the nastiness. But no, Felix was nowhere to be found. We get in his place Tiger Tanaka, the head of Japanese secret service who unlike M is quite hands on. He is, in fact, the most interesting character in the film. Now, the third part of his plan for Bond. On top of become Japanese and marrying a Japanese woman, Bond must train to become a ninja. Tiger has a ninja training school and that I can swallow. He is, after all, the head of Japanese intelligence. I do take issue with the idea that Bond trains, for three days and then, presto, he becomes a ninja. Three freaking days! Anyone who has seen a marshal arts movie worth its salt knows a bit more is involved in becoming a ninja.

Best One Liners/Quips: Honestly, this was incredibly difficult since Connery delivers most of Bond’s lines like he’s a hostage reading a written statement denouncing his country. One of the only lines given the old Connery roughish charm is when 007 wakes up, tied to a chair in Helga’s room, and he asks “What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?”

Bond Cars: Since he travels via one man copter and torpedo tube, MI6 fails to supply a car for Bond in this film. He gets driven around by Aki in a hot little white Toyota 2000GT convertible. Besides being quite sporty and sleek looking, this car has one of the most astounding features I’ve even seen on an automobile. As I described earlier, Aki gets rid of a car full of machine gun shooting baddies by calling in a helicopter with a big magnet to pick up the car, fly it to the sea, and release the car into the water. Good enough, but what’s so crazy is Bond and Aki are able to watch the entire flight and car dump on a monitor in the dashboard in the Toyota. This in itself is fine but how are they getting the picture? The angels in which they view the flight can’t possibility be shot by cameras on the helicopter. So what amazing device is recording these images and relaying them back to the car in real time?

Bond Timepiece: None noted. One more detail the film simply has no time for.

Other Notable Bond Accessories: It was interesting to see Bond in his military dress blues. I also like that he is smoking again. Other than that and the Beatle wig Bond operates fairly bare-boned in this movie.

Number of Drinks 007 Consumes: 4, in the only category where this movie hits on all cylinders. When Bond first arrives in Japan he visits Mr. Henderson who has done his homework. He offers Bond a martini, shaken. Bond takes one sip and is pleasantly surprised noting Mr. Henderson used real Russian vodka. It turns out Mr. Henderson is friendly with one of the doorman at the Soviet embassy who supplies the Brit with booze from the mother land in exchange for other favors. Details like this bring Bond’s world, that of spying and international connections, to life. Sadly, these touches are in short supply in this film. Bond has a different reaction to his vodka drink in Mr. Osato’s office. After knocking out the sumo dude, Bond raids Osato’s liquor cabinet to finds a bottle. He takes a pull and then winces saying to himself “Siamese vodka.” I Googled Siamese vodka and as I suspected, it doesn’t exist. On board the private subway, Tiger offers Bond some Saki, unless he would like a martini. In a perfect “when in Rome” moment, Bond turns down his favorite drink, showing his host the proper respect. 007 goes a step further impressing Tiger when he points out the Saki is served at 98.4F as it should be. Then next morning Bond finds himself once again in Mr. Osato’s office, this time posing as an international business man. It’s only 11:30 AM but Mr. Osato offers some Champaign, a drink Bond turns down due to the early hour, until he learns it’s a Dom ’59. I love the smell of Don ’59 in the morning.

Bond’s Gambling Winnings: Heartbreaking but true, no gambling here.

List of Locations: The film spends a small amount of time in space and in the Alaskan tundra where the UN meeting takes place. Why Alaska? Maybe so everyone can keep an eye on those shifty Soviets. The third opening location, Taiwan, is a non-location since all we see is the inside of a hotel room, which could be in Poughkeepsie for all we know. This film doesn’t make it to London, making this the first Bond film where 007 doesn’t set foot in the UK. 98% of You Only Live Twice happens in Japan. Bond starts in Tokyo. The coolest place he visits is an arena in the round for a Sumo Wrestling bout. The shipyard scenes were shot at the Kobie Docks which sadly no longer exist. On January 17, 1995 the port was destroyed by largest earthquake to his Japan since 1923. Akime Village, pop. 180, was used for the idyllic seaside fishing community. Finally, the volcano was Mt. Kirishima, located on a southern island in a national park. Despite the fact that Japan is woven into the plot, the country and culture somehow manage to be little more than a backdrop. It feels like Bond is detached from the locations in someway, where as in past films, Bond became part of them. Like most of this film, I’m sure many things are to blame, from Connery’s less than committed performance to the lackluster direction to the silly screenplay. If I could pick a single shot to sum up the entire film, it would be the one look we get at the U.S.S.R. It’s a wide shot of a Soviet rocket launch. In the foreground, several palm trees can be seen.

Bonds Special Abilities Displayed: When Bond points out to Tiger that his Saki is served at the proper temperature, 98.4F Tiger responds “For a European, you are exceptional cultivated.” Indeed, we learn that Bond San studied Oriental languages at Cambridge, however we never hear him udder a word in Japanese. Bond also works double duty as a pilot, not only dog fighting in “Little Nellie” but also crash landing a small prop plane. Then there is the small task of become a ninja in three days. I can’t think of any reason to include this nonsense other than the fact that in 1967, Kung Fu films were breaking through and become hot in the west. It’s kind of sad to see Bond flowing and not leading but, there you go. In another of the countless logic defying moments in this film, during the SPECTRE rocket launch, Bond dresses up like an astronaut and attempts to sneak onto the spacecraft. Blofeld becomes suspicious when Bond tries to carry his air conditioning unit into the capsule and #1 calls Bond out. What the hell was Bond’s plan? Suppose Blofeld missed this small mistake and Bond gets into the cockpit? What then? How in the name of Jesus H Christ is he going to fly a God Damn spaceship? I’m not sure if you’ve picked this up yet, but this film kind of sucks.

Thoughts on Film: “Welcome to Japan, Mr. Bond,” you should have stayed home. Since everyone involved knew this was Connery’s last film, there was a feeling that all the stops needed to be pulled out. Subsequently, Broccoli and Saltzman gave more energy to marketing than the movie; the trailer came first, the film came second. The script was changed and changed again with the goal of loading as much “stuff” as possible into Connery last go in Bond’s shoes. As a result, the final product is not a movie but a Frankenstein’s monster of action sequences sewn together with the hope of creating life. They failed and the movie is D.O.A. The poster, on the other hand, lived, screaming out loudly; Bond Dies! (but no, not really) Bond Marries! (ahh yah, but no, not really) Bond becomes Japanese! (not even Fing close) Bond finally meets SPECTRE’S #1! (OK they deliver on this last one) Connery’s Last Bond Is The Biggest EVER! (Arguable, but it’s certainly not the best.) Some of the blame for the films failure must be hung around Connery’s neck. Getting shot out of a torpedo tube, crawling on the ceiling like Spiderman, making Bond a Japanese ninja, it’s all bullshit and Connery knew it. He simply couldn’t bring himself to care and it shows. If Connery was indifferent about the movie, the producers and director were outright hostile. The cheesy special effects, the retrofit action sequences, the terrible screenplay all pile on to make this movie a labor to simply sit through.

For the record, I have a suspension of disbelief that stretches a mile wide. I will buy pretty much anything a movie is selling. If I sit down in a theater and you tell me there’s a guy with breathing problems who flies around the galaxy in a huge circular weapon that can destroy planets and he’s defeated by a farmer with magic powers and his trash can robot sidekick, I can get behind that 100%! All a movie has to do is tell me things in a logical way, don’t break its own rules, and treat me like an intelligent person. I think most movie goes will agree, we want fantasy, but don’t lie to us or worse yet, don’t treat us like fools. We will be fine with an alien who wears tights and flies (Superman I and II) but we balk at the idea he can throw every nuclear weapon on earth into the sun (Superman IV.)  You Only Live Twice not only disrespects its audience, it dares Bond fans to care and shows them no respect. It simply assumes if Bond is on the screen with some chicks and explosions, all is right with the world. Thankful, the audience struck back, hurting the films bottom line. (Ed Note: For this project, I want to focus on the films and avoid the Fleming novels as much as possible. That said, I highly recommend you read this fantastic post which details Bond creator/author Ian Fleming so-called “Blofeld Trilogy” and how that storyline was destroyed when shooting schedules demanded that YOLT be made before OHMSS. The post goes a long way to explaining why YOLT is such a mess.) To be fair, the film has it’s moments; the Aki assassination is top notch. There is a breathtaking shot of Japanese fishing boats on the water a dawn, but for every bright spot we get ten bummers. The plot is a mess, the laughs aren’t funny, the dialog is lazy, the characters are forgettable and the film is ultimately a sad swan song for Connery. Perhaps I’m being overly harsh, but I was shock at how far off the beam You Only Live Twice had fallen. Coming after three incredibly strong films I found this movie to be trying and an embarrassment to the Bond name.

Martini ratings:

Thunderball

Title: Thunderball

Year: 1965. Both the U.S. and British premieres were held in December within a week of each other. For what it’s worth, Thunderball is the first Bond film that wasn’t originally a novel …kind of. It was also intended to be the first Bond film …kind of. In 1959, Ian Fleming had the idea of bringing his super spy to the big screen. He teamed up with Kevin McClory and Jack Whittingham to write James Bond, Secret Agent but Fleming reportedly got fed up with both the screenwriting process and working with others. Feeling Bond was his, he took the screenplay, changed it a bit, and wrote the 1961 novel, “Thunderball.” McClory took legal action, claiming the story was his, and United Artist refused to touch the script or the book while legal proceedings were underway. Ipso facto, Dr. No (1962) became the first James Bond film. Thunderball was shelved until an out of court deal was struck in 1964. As a result of the deal, UA could go ahead with Fleming’s novel and McClory held onto the screenplay rights and later released a film based on what he called the “original concept,” the “unofficial” Bond movie Never Say Never Again (1983). Everybody got that?

Film Length: 2 hours 10 minutes

Bond Actor: Sean Connery. In August of 1965 the Beatles were the biggest band on the planet. To promote/ introduced their new single, they played the BBC program “Blackpool Night Out.” After performing a few hits, Ringo and John left the stage as George stepped to the microphone and introduced the brand spanking new never before heard song “Yesterday” by announcing “Paul McCartney of Liverpool, opportunity knocks.” The inside joke being, yes, the Beatles were the biggest thing in the world, but this was Paul, standing alone on stage playing a song that he alone wrote, and the other three Beatles knew they were, thanks to the ballad, about to become even bigger. After the smashing success of Goldfinger (1964), Sean Connery was a rock star in his own right, and it wasn’t a question of the new Bond being big, the question was how big. Many people created the international monster that was James Bond, but Connery knew all eyes were on him. He felt responsible for Bond, and he took his role as the face of the franchise seriously becoming physically invested. I’m a card carrying “out of the closet” heterosexual (You might not have asked, but I’m going to tell anyway) and as such I must say, Connery looks simply dreamy. When sporting a perfectly fitting tight shirt or no shirt at all, our hero could pass as an Olympic athlete. His charm is dialed up to 11 and he is as good as ever with the one liners. While Connery was giving it his all on screen, he was taking a stepping back off camera. He didn’t go to any of the many Thunderball premieres and granted just one interview, a long in depth profile for Playboy. In the profile, Connery comes across as down to earth and thankful for the success of Bond, but he also admits he doesn’t like the publicity side of things. “I find that fame tends to turn one from an actor and a human being into a piece of merchandise, a public institution. Well, I don’t intend to undergo that metamorphosis.” He also lets it be know that he has two more Bond films on his contract (at that point they were to be On Her Majesty’s Secret Service and “probably” You Only Live Twice) and that after that, he would be happy to walk away. “Bond’s been good to me, so I shouldn’t knock him,” but he also admitted that he’s “fed up to here with the whole Bond bit.”

Director: Terence Young, returning to direct his third and final Bond film. Goldfinger director Guy Hamilton was asked to helm the fourth film but he felt “drained of ideas.” He had giving everything in his arsenal to Goldfinger and said he “had nothing to contribute till he recharged batteries.” Indeed, EON were popping these films out at an incredibly fast clip, one a year for four years straight with each one being a bigger production with bigger expectations. Thanks to challenges inherent in the plot, Thunderball promised to be the biggest yet.

Reported Budget: $9,000,000 estimated. After Bonds 1,2, and 3 cost one $1 million, $2 million and $3 million respectively, Bond 4 jumped to $9 mil. (Ed. Note $5.6 million is listed as the budget on the Special Addition DVD, but I’m using Box-Office Mojo for all my budget and box office figures since studios are notoriously inaccurate when it comes to these numbers.) I’m sure Connery’s salary climbed some but much of the money was up on the screen. About 20% of Thunderball takes place underwater, and in the days before digital effects, that meant 20% of the movie had to be made underwater. It got me to thinking, what if Thunderball was the first film made like originally planed, and they only had the $1 million. Needless to say, it would not have been nearly as good. None the less, after four years, Bond was now officially a big time Hollywood production with the money to match. Additionally, product tie-ins were everywhere, with Bond vodka, Bond clothes, and oodles and oodles of Bond toys coming out to coincide with the films December release and the holiday shopping season. At the end of 1965, Bond was everywhere. “Sean Connery of Edinburgh, opportunity knocks.”

Reported Box-office: $63,600,000 (USA) $141,200,000 (Worldwide). Thunderball was released in the final weeks of 1965, so its box-office run lived mostly in 1966, and it was that year’s #1 film, with a bullet. Making $10 million more than Goldfinger in the states alone, it was clear to all the other studios that they needed a Bond themselves, but as the lady would sing in a later 007 film, nobody does it better than Bond. Mark Harris details some of the copy-cat films in his best seller “Pictures at a Revolution.” According to Harris, Warner Brothers answer for Bond mania was the now forgotten Kaleidoscope (1966) staring Warren Beatty. 20^th Century Fox employed James Coburn in Our Man Flint (1965) and In Like Flint (1967). United Artist even got into the Bond rip-off business. Eager to own Pepsi and Coke, the Bond studio cast a young Brit named Michael Caine as a kind of nerdy “anti-Bond” in The Ipcress Files (1965). The most aggressive attempt to dip into Bond mania was made by Columbia who between 1966 and 1969 made four films in their Matt Helm series. However, I doubt Connery lost any sleep worrying about his American counterpart Helm who was played by the immortal and terribly miscast Dean Martin.

As is often the case in Hollywood, when studios scramble to rip-off what’s working now, they are blind to what’s coming next. The #2 film in 1966 was Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? (1966) staring Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton.

Earlier Bond films pushed the standards of the Production Code, but the Mike Nichols helmed Virginia Woolf literally distorted the standards that had been in place since the 1930’s. Bond films had a sex and violence, but it was presented as a “comic strip for adults.” Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? was a brutal black and white kitchen sink drama that focused on an alcoholic abusive couple where they lived. This was the “new Hollywood,” and though studios didn’t realize, it was already here.

Theme Song: “Thunderball” performed by the one and only Tom Jones. The theme song for this film was to be “Mr. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang” performed by Dionne Warwick but producers freaked-out at the last second, panicking that the theme’s title wasn’t the not-so-easy-to-write-into-lyrics title of the film. Enter Tom Jones to save the day. The words, it must be said, leave something to be desired. “Any woman he wants, he’ll get / He will break any heart without regret / His days of asking are all gone / His fight goes on and on and on.” It’s nowhere near as good as the “Goldfinger” theme, but it has it moments. And for the record, the whole women throwing underwear on stage TJ shtick isn’t nearly as creepy when the singer is a 20 something year old man as it is in his later “Vegas” years.

Opening Action Sequence: For the first time, audiences saw Connery at the top of the film in the gun barrel sequences and not stuntman Bob Simmons who turns and shoots at the camera in the first three films. Sticking with the tradition started in From Russia With Love (1963), the opening minutes of the film are a mini adventure that takes place at a breakneck pace using humor and action to throw audiences into Bonds world. James is attending Colonel Jacques Bouvar’s funeral when he observes the widow Bouvar open her own car door. This leads Bond to conclude the good Colonel, also known as SPECTRE #6, has faked his death and is now posing as Madame Bouvar. Bond confronts he/she in a palatal red room and a brutal fight ensues in which no piece of expensive future is spared while Bond beats on a man in a dress and heels. Bond finally gets the better of the Colonel and pays his respects by tossing lilies on the dead body as he exits. Outside, 007 straps on a jetpack and flies away from the pursuing security detail. The shot of Bond flying over the Chateau d’Anet is worth the price of admission. Bond then jumps into …hey! That’s the Aston Martin DB-5 from the previous film, the one Bond destroyed! Humm, I guess Q has been busy. Anyway, Bond raises the bulletproof shield and douses his pursuers with water, which washes into the underwater credit sequence. Fast, exciting and funny (punching a widow in the face is ALWAYS funny) this is the best open yet.

Opening Titles: Maurice Binder, who set the opening title standard with Dr. No returned after a two film absents. (He would go one to do every opening title up until and including License to Kill (1989)) Going with the water theme of the film, the credits feature nude women swimming this way and that while explosions of color paint the screen. It’s cool, but not show stopping.

Villain’s Plot: SPECTRE is back baby! Taking a page out of Auric Goldfinger’s book, SPECTRE has decided when it comes to taking over the world; nukes are the way to go. However, being the Special Executive for Counter Intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge, Extortion they do everything bigger and badder. If a little suitcase nuke almost worked, imagine what two full-on war heads could do? #1, who abandon his boat and is now operating out of a Paris bank (insert you’re timely Wall St/ Bernie Madoff/ Goldman Sachs joke here) pulled out all the stops for this caper. It involves paying one Angelo Palazzi to undergo plastic surgery so he will look just like Major Francois Derval, a NATO big wig. The real Derval is then killed and Palazzi takes his place aboard a flight that is carrying two nuclear bombs. After gassing the entire crew, Palazzi pulls of a water landing that would make Captain Sully stand and applaud. As the plane descends to the bottom of the ocean, SPECTRE divers swim to the aircraft with a custom sub perfectly designed to carry two nuclear bombs. They grab the bombs and escort them to the Disco Volante, a yacht equipped with an underwater diving hatch. While this is a genius plan, the film stumbles in its execution. The pacing is off and so many characters are introduced in a glossed over fashion it’s nearly impossible to keep up. I suspect this was to rush to the underwater stuff, which his indeed super cool.

Bond’s Mission: After securing the bombs, SPECTRE sends a taped ransom note demanding 280 million dollars (100 million pounds) or they will blow up an unnamed city. Every Double O is summoned to London where they meet in a super posh giant room populated by a bunch of stuck up snooty white guys in suits. (Her Majesty’s Secrete Service could use some diversity, just saying.) Each Double O receives assignments and Bond is off to Station “C” Canada. However, he petitions M to switch his port of call to Nassau, and no, it has nothing to do with the photo of the bird in case file. Bond recognizes her brother, Major Derval. (For a split second, I wished M was The Dude so when Bond says it’s the guy, not the girl he’s after, M could respond “Vagina? I mean…you know the guy?”) Why Yes! Bond does know the guy; he bumped into the Major at the Shrubland Health Club at the same time that the Major was supposed to be piloting the plane. The American military man in the room doubts this very much and in a moment that made me want to stand up and cheer, M sticks up for his agent and chops the American off at the knees. So, it’s off to Bermuda for Bond to make contact with the girl, figure out who is behind the bomb plot, and shut it down before the deadline and mass destruction. The game is afoot!

Villain’s Name: Emilio Largo or #2. As #2 he is SPECTRE’S most trusted operator and is given the task of overseeing the plastic surgery, installing underwater landing lights, covering the submerged plane with a camouflage net and getting the bombs aboard his boat. This would be enough to stress out most, especially considering SPECTRE’S history when it comes to dealing with failure, but our eye patched clove smoking villain handles his assignment with ease. He even finds time to relax, play cards, and do some skeet shooting while hanging around the Bahamas.

Villain Actor: Adolfo Celi. Born in Tuscany, Italy, the working actor was very popular in Europe and appeared in over 100 films. According to his IMDB Bio, Celi was fluent in English, Spanish, French, Portugues, and German in addition to his native Italian. Despite this we yet again have a main character being voiced by another actor, in this case Robert Rietty. EON must enjoy writing checks to SAG and getting one actor for the price of two. Celi strikes a perfect balance in the role, playing it cool until he needs to act, and then like a coiled cobra, he attacks with out warning.

Villain’s Lair: Coolest yet. Largo operates out of an ocean side villa in the Bahamas that comes equipped with two swimming pools; one for the ladies, and the other for the sharks. With a convent push of a button, a tunnel between the two can be opened and the occupants of both pools can mingle. Although the house, know as Palmyra, is protected by the ocean and high walls, the place is crawling with armed guards who are dressed like assistants in a Vidal Sassoon salon. Docked off shore is the even more impressive Disco Volante. Hailing from Panama, this impressive yacht is capable of hitting nearly 20 knots and features a dive room, good for feeding out divers and gobbling up nuclear bombs out of the sight of prying eyes. But the absolute coolest feature is its ability to “jettison the cocoon.” Basically, if you need to get away in a big hurry because, say a Navy destroyer is after you, you can shoot the front half of the boat out on hydrofoils and leave the back half behind with any unfortunate crew members. It instantly reminded me of the USS Enterprise engaging in a saucer separation.

Villain’s Coolest Accessory/ Trait: I was going to go with the shark tank, but I can’t get the image of the SPECTRE boardroom meeting out of my head. #1 is sitting at a desk, in a separate box like room. On his lap is the cat, and in front of is face is, what exactly? A screen of sorts… Why is he hiding his face in this manner? Anyway, assembled at a table are his loyal “number” underlings who report on earnings from various blackmail, assassination and train robbery schemes. Ahh, but #9 and #11 are not hitting their projected profits with an American narcotics ring. After deciding #11 is embezzling from SPECTRE, #1 hits a button and #11’s chair descends into a furnace, only to reappear smoking and empty. Austin Powers be damned, this scene is ridiculous all on its own and it doesn’t need his help. It’s also, I must admit, quite enjoyable. This cold blooded failure = death policy keeps the “Execution Branch” of SPECTRE employed, but it also has it drawbacks. At one point, an assassin fails to off Bond in his Nassau hotel. Obviously, this failure must be dealt with. Fare enough, but is blowing up the assassin’s car while he has Bond in the cross-hairs the best use of resources? For a crime syndicate that can flawlessly orchestrate the hijacking of two nuclear bombs, this just seems counterproductive, inefficient and down right dumb.

Badassness of Villain: Largo is a pretty cool costumer, focused on the mission at hand. But if he feels you’re crossed him, look out. He has no trouble feeding underlings to the sharks and even enjoys torturing his mistress. Holding a lit cigarette and a bowl of ice, he informs her “This for heat, these for cold, applied scientifically and slowly.” This scene actually kind of got to me for a second as Largo coldly leans in and we hear screaming from behind a closed door. It’s shortly after that Largo leave half his crew to be attacked by the Navy while he makes his getaway in the faster section of the boat. Oh, yah, and he was willing to nuke Miami if SPECTRE didn’t get their money. So yah, pretty badass. I would also say he’s the “scariest” of the villains so far if for no other reason than he seems to enjoy his job a little too much.

Villain’s Asides/ Henchmen: Largo has a few #2’s of his own, mostly cold blooded assassins. There is Vargas. “Vargas does not drink… does not smoke… does not make love. What do you do, Vargas?” and then there is the sexy Fiona Volpe (Luciana Paluzzi). Volpe does it all, she sleeps with guys just to wack em, she skillful rides a motorcycle at 110 MPH while shooting off rockets, and she keeps the other SPECTRE operatives in line. When she shows up in the room next to Bond’s (lounging in a bathtub), she seduces “Mr Bond James Bond” (no hard job that) and manages to resist his sexual turning power. When done with the hanky panky, she pulls a gun on Bond and mocks his prowess forcing 007 to resort to an I-know-you-are-but-what-am-I playground response. “Don’t think it gave ME any pleasure. I did what I did for king and country.”

Bond Girl Actress: Claudine Auger. The former Miss France (1958) and dramatically trained actress is the first woman who, for me at least, lived up to the ideal of what it means to be a “Bond Girl.” She is that smart, international, amazingly hot woman who is also down to earth, fun and has an easy laugh. In other words, a woman that doesn’t really exist.

Bond Girl’s Name: Domino Derval who is by far the most sophisticated and sexiest Bond girl yet. As tribute, a little song in her honor. Take it way, Van the man.

Domino is the Major’s sister from the photo and also happens to be Largo’s niece by which he means mistress. Bond first encounters Domino while she’s free diving for shells in a bathing suit that must leave some odd tan lines. She immediately proves to be Bonds equal in the witty flirting department and seems like she’s up for anything at any moment. She can play classy just as easy, as Bond learns when he finds her with Largo at the baccarat table, where Jimmy B deftly talks her off Larog’s arm onto his own. “Any woman he wants, he’ll get / He will break any heart without regret.”

Bond Girl Sluttiness: As a kept woman who was using Largo as much as he was using her, she knows how to get what she wants using sex. At first, she playfully brushes aside Bonds advances, but once she give in, she up for some kink, like when she and Bond engage in an underwater SCUBA tango, easily taking the 1^st place prize for craziest make-out location in a Bond film yet. “Lord have mercy, I said Ohhhh woooo Domino!” Still, Domino is low on the slut scale. She’s an import cog in the plot, and one of the few Bond girls who’s function in the film is more than just sex.

Number of Woman 007 Beds: 3; a blond, a red head and burnet. We already covered Domino’s underwater antics and Bonds inability to turn the badass SPECTRE assassin Fiona Volpe. That leaves the bizarre seduction, some would say forceful blackmailing, of the fetching masseuse Patricia Fearing (Molly Peter). Patricia works at the spa where Bond is recovering from his fight with Major Bouvar. Totally unimpressed with Bond and his witty banter, Patricia orders him to lie on a device meant to stretch out the body called “the rack.” It’s a table that one gets strapped onto while it gyrates back and forth. The film shows us this action using a 70’s porn zoom in and out while a shirtless sweaty Bond bops back and forth on the table. A SPECTRE agent sneaks into the room and puts the thing on high speed, nearly ripping Bond into two, literally. 007 actually passes out with pain and is saved at the last second by Patricia who is guilt ridden thinking she pushed the wrong button and almost killed her client. Now again, Bond was just out cold. After he recovers he stands up from the rack, and doesn’t correct Patricia, letting her think she is responsible. He then goes a step further and implies he will rat her out to her boss unless … I’m not sure why Bond had to resort to this sleazy tactic, I’m mean, according to Tom Jones “Any woman he wants, he gets.” Is this how? Anyway, 30 seconds removed from certain death, Bond has Patricia’s shirt off in the steam room where things proceed to get hot. (Sorry, it was teed up, I had to take the shot.)

Bond Girls Best Pick-up Line: While lying in bed, Fiona comments on the iron frame that acts as the headboard. “This bed feels like a cage, all these bars. Do you think I will be safe?” Killer.

Bond’s Best Pick-up Line: I cracked up when at one point Bond hits the fire alarm in the spa and a robbed woman runs into the hall “What’s going on?” she asks James who answers like he talking to a four year old “Well, I don’t know. Could it be the front door bell?”

Number of People 007 Kills: A whooping 25 plus one shark. 25 people, holy Jesus, 007 must be making up for the lack of carnage in the last film and he earns his time and a half over-time pay here. In the open he kills the Colonel “#6” Bouvar before the credits even role. But at least he respectful enough to leave some flowers. In a nasty bit of payback for the rack business, Bond boils his attacker in a personal sauna unit during the 10 minutes of the film I like to call “death by spa treatments.” He takes out two of Largo’s Vidal Sassoon goons during a nighttime raid on his compound. Then there is one of my favorite; in a tension filled sequence, Bond is dancing with the assassin Fiona at Nassau’s “Kiss Kiss” club as a band rocks out on the congas. One of Fiona’s goons is hidden behind the band and points a gun at Bond on the dance floor. The fast and furious cross-cut editing gives us quick shots of the drums, the gun and Bond, and it looks for sure our hero, who is already wounded, is done for. At the last second, he spots the gun, spins Fiona into the on coming bullets, and leaved her slumped at a table. (“Can my friend rest a moment? She’s simply dead.”) The other SPECTRE badass assassin, Vargas, gets a nasty spear gun shot into his gut (“I think he got the point.”) Now, we know the 00 protects Bond from legal issues when it comes to killing men and woman, but I wonder if Greenpeace recognizes this bit of international law skirting. Felix and Bond find the submerged plane, but to get to it they must swim though shark infested waters. Bond orders Felix to take out one of the man eaters so the other will be drawn to the blood and not Bond. Good plan and it works. That leaves us many, many divers. As I mentioned earlier, much of the film happens underwater, and Bond takes out a diver under the Disco Volante and similarly slices the air hose of a second dude he comes across in the vault where the bombs are hidden. The climatic battle takes place under the sea where the good guys (in red wetsuits) and bad (in black) face off like underwater civil war soldiers; that is, they line up, charge each other, and when the front row is done in by spear guns, the second row happily marches/swims forward, until they are squirming and battling in what looks like a cross between hand to hand combat and “O,” the underwater Cirque Du Soleil.  Dudes gets stabbed, air hose get sliced, face masks get ripped off, and spears get shot through arms and legs as the sharks circle. I saw a comment on IMDB where the poster felt this underwater battle went on to long. That person is wrong. This is a fantastic fight that must have been a nightmare to choreograph and it’s truly the highlight of this fantastic film. Anyway, Bond jumps into the fray while the battle is in full force, entering at great speed thanks to his underwater jet pack (why not?) 007 waists no time killing 14 men. (Deep breath) Bond cuts at least two dudes air hoses, drops a heavy door on three more, throws a grenade into a vault with three baddies in it, beats one, cuts a third guys hose, rips off two masks and stab yet another before he spear guns Largo’s right hand man. Bond’s people recover one of the bombs following the battle but Largo makes it to the Disco Volante with the second. Superman, I mean Bond, grabs onto the boats anchor and climbs aboard for more fast paced fist fighting on the bridge of the boat which is going 110 MPH and narrowly missing all kinds of rocks. This last 15 minutes is non-stop action and edge of your seat exciting (and looked fantastic on my big flat screen.) It’s worth noting that Bond doesn’t kill Largo, that’s left to Domino who shoots him in revenge for her brother. Largo then falls on the dashboard of the boat but not before he “jams the controls.” Let me take a moment here and conduct a poll, has anyone ever been on any kind of vehicle where one can “jam the controls?” Why would anyone ever want to do this? How is it done? By pushing a button? By shoving a screwdriver into a circuit board? Anyway, “He’s Jammed the Controls!” Bond announces forcing he and Domino to bail out of the stern moments before the Disco smashes into a rocks and makes a great big satisfying boom.

Most Outrageous/Fantastic Death/s: All thought Bond isn’t responsible for it, the coolest death happens in the underwater battle when one of the divers gets his goggles “Moe Greened” by a spear. The greatest killing involving Jimmy B happens in the shark pool at Largo’s compound. One of Largo’s men and Bond fall into the pool which Largo quickly covers with a plastic that keeps the two underwater. “Release the sharks!” While one of the big fish chomps on the baddie, Bond deftly swims in and out of the other man eaters and makes his way to the second pool and safety.

Miss. Moneypenny:  It appears she’s been doing some rearranging of the furniture in her office, and I do not approve. When Bond pops his head into her doorway, he finds the hat rack has been moved. More disturbing, when 007 goes to leave, his hat has disappeared all together. “I think I had a hat when I came in.” You did! Where did it go? Why, oh why are you screwing with Bond Monnypenny? He’s got enough on his mind with the whole tracking down two nukes business to have to worry about his hat.

M: Ahh, now that’s more like it! After giving Bond nothing but grief for the first three films, M finally pulled the stick out of his ass and defends his #1 agent in front of both the American’s and his boss, the Home Secretary. Good show M. Good show indeed.

Q: In by far the funniest Q appearance yet, the gadget guru pops out of a wall like a jack-in-a-box sporting a less-then-dignified hat and a pineapple Hawaii print shirt. Upon spotting him enter Bond roles his eye “Oh no.” Q is none to happy about having to meet Bond “in the field” and he proceeds to alternate between giving Bond his gadgets and slapping his hand for playing with them.

List of Gadgets: Bond gets some really good toys in this film, and none of them are to far outside of reality. There was the jet pack, or Bell Textron’s rocket belt, from the open which, by the by, is real. At the time only two men in the world could pilot the thing and one of them was brought in to fly over the Chateau d’Anet in France. No wires or CGI here. Bond also has a hollowed out book that conceals a tape recorder he leaves going when he vacates his room so he can come back and listen to hear if anyone has broken in. Spoiler alert, someone has. After emerging from the wall in Bermuda, Q supplies Bond with a watch that houses a Geiger counter, an underwater camera that can take infrared photos and also has a Geiger counter, a mini flare that can be hidden almost anywhere and a 4 minute underwater breather, convenient pocket size. That is, as Bond points out, “If you have a convenient pocket.” Then there is a radioactive but harmless pill that when swallowed acts like a homing device. Last but centrally not least is the rescue raft that is dropped to Bond and Domino after they jump out of the exploding Disco Volante. It inflates on its own, impresses enough, but it also comes with a sky hook. That is, a red blimp shaped balloon that flies into the sky. It’s tethered to Bond who simply sits in his raft, holds onto Domino tightly, and waits for the plane with a V shaped noise to hook the rope. Bond takes off like Christian Bale in The Dark Knight (2008), literally flying off into the sunset. I was watching this thinking it might just be the coolest thing I’d ever seen till it occurred to me, how in Gods name do you land? I mean, you’re hanging on a rope attached to a speedy plane. How does one get down from/ wheeled in/ off the damn thing? One more note about this rescue, a third guy, a Largo lackey who finds religion and helps Domino escape at the last second, also jumps off the boat with Bond and his lady. He can’t swim, so he gets a flotation device, but what happened to him? While 007 and Domino are flying off into the wide blue yonder he’s left behind in shark infested waters only a few hundred yards from a nuclear blast sight. This guy may still be out there for all we know, some kind of nuclear zombie fighting with sharks for fish food. Just saying…

Gadgets/British Government Property Bond Destroys: The pill gets swallowed and the flair gets shoot off, but they were one and done deals to begin with. Bond actually treats everything OK, and even manages to return the Aston Martin with out a scratch. Oh wait, there the God Damn nuke on the Disco Volante! How much trouble do you get in for allowing a NATO owned nuclear bomb to detonate in the middle of paradise? Strangely, the film doesn’t deal with the “fallout” of the explosion.

Other Property Destroyed: Bond trashes a bunch of future at breaks a window at the Chateau d’Anet. He also escapes from Fiona by pouring rum on the backseat or her car and setting the auto aflame. And then the Disco gets blown up but Bond wasn’t directly responsible for that. However, SCUBA tank sales in Bermuda must have skyrocketed after Bond  cut countless breathing hoses.

Felix Leiter: After following Bond around the pool and lobby of the hotel, Felix knocks on Bond’s hotel room door and gets a punch to the stomach. If Bond didn’t recognize his old friend you can’t blame him, as Felix is played by yet another actor, this time one Rik Van Nutter. Van Nutter not only has the coolest handle ever, at times he looks like a poor mans Clint Eastwood. Rik Van Nutter (really, that could be a Bond character name) has one of the more interesting IMDB pages I’ve ever encountered. His first credit in 1959 and his last is ‘79 and in the twenty years he had only 13 credits, and then he just stops. Theater perhaps? Now, I consider myself a Felix fan but I must say, I wanted to bunch him in the face by the end of Thunderball. We first encounter the American flowing Bond around Nassau. If anyone was playing “can you spot the CIA agent” Felix, the only guy sporting a full on three-piece suit (blue) on the beach, would be picked 11 times out of ten. When Bond answers his door, the American loudly blurts out “Well double O..” before getting the shot to the gut. Felix, super-spy that it is, nearly blew Bond’s cover. Then there is the inexcusable mistake he makes while hunting for the lost NATO plane. Bond and Felix know the aircraft has been hidden underwater near Bermuda, but where? While the clocks ticks, the two agents search the miles of ocean surrounding the island in a helicopter until Felix finally say “Well, we searched everywhere. Everywhere that is except the Golden Grotto.” (By the by, the Golden Grotto sounds like the wing of the Playboy mansion James Caan got his mail delivered to circa 1973.) “But we won’t find it there?” Well why the F not douche bag? And since it’s the only place you haven’t looked, wouldn’t you conclude that is exactly where the damn plane is? Bond immediately instructs Felix to bring the helicopter down in the Grotto where, HOLYSHIT! It’s the plane. Idiot. At least he learned his lesson from Goldfinger when it comes to homing devices. When Bond swallows the pill, Felix has enough brain power to know it’s a call for help.

Best One Liners/Quips: Any Bond film worth its salt has the fantastic scene where the villain hosts Bond and Thunderball is no exception. When Bond shows up at Largo’s compound he finds the eye patched baddy carrying a shot-gun. Bond “That gun, it looks more fitting for a woman.” “You know much about guns, Mr. Bond?” “No, but I know a little about women.” Awesome. In the next scene, Largo shows Bond how to shoot skeet, taking out the first bird with ease. Before Bond takes his shot he says “It looks very difficult.” He then rips off a shot, from the hip no less, and cracks the clay pigeon into a million pieces. “Why no, it isn’t, is it?”

Bond Cars: The Aston Martin DB-5 makes a return despite it being smashed into a wall in the previous film. Other than that Bond grabs a ride from Fiona in her blue Mustang. Bond also drives what I think is a Bentley at one point but I’m not 100%. If anyone can clarify for me, please feel free to comment.

Bond Timepiece: Breitling Geneve, Top Time. These puppies go for around $1200 today; this is a no joke watch. Also, I’m not one to point out editing errors and the like because (A) I never catch them (B) it’s sniveling and nitpicking, like a way to say you’re smarter than the film makers which unless the film makers name is Michael Bay, no, you’re not and (C) I don’t care. That said, at one point Bond checks his watch and it’s a Rolex Submariner. Just saying, for the integrity of this blog and all.

Other Notable Bond Accessories: He lost his hat, which simply breaks my heart. I hope we see it return in the next film. Bond’s attire is much more casual in this film, mostly because he’s in Nassau and unlike that twit Felix, Bond knows that when acting as spy, it’s good to blend in. Another thing I noticed is Bond doesn’t smoke at all in this film, a first. But again, this might have more to do with location than anything else. After all, not even Q can come up with a cigarette that stays lit underwater.

Number of Drinks 007 Consumes: 2, for a depressing drop off in this department. I simply love when Bond drinks, gambles, or partakes in anything that could be considered a vice. It’s just awesome to know the coolest guy in the room enjoys these naughty habits. Regardless, he mixes himself some kind of vodka drink in his hotel room and much to my amusement; he doesn’t offer a drink to Felix who is standing right there. He also has a Rum Collins with Largo on his pool deck.

Bond’s Gambling Winnings: Bond starts off with 500 pounds worth of those cool “plates” they use instead of chips at all the really high-end places. He sits down at Largo’s table and wins the first hand prompting Largo to fall into the classic gambling trap; when down, go deeper! “Shall we raise the limit, say 500 pounds a hand?” Everyone declines at these stakes, everyone that is except Jimmy B who not only wins this hand, but leaves the table with Largo’s girl errr, I mean niece. The game, James’ favorite, baccarat. In the interest of this blog project as well as my own curiosity I took to the web to learn exactly how baccarat is played. (Ed. Note; I’m a poker guy.) According to Wikipedia it looks incredibly straight forward. “Baccarat is a simple game with only three possible results—’Player’, ‘Banker’, and ‘Tie’. The term ‘Player’ does not refer to the customer, and the term ‘Banker’ does not refer to the house. They are just options on which the customer can bet. In Baccarat, cards 2–9 are worth face value, 10s and face cards (J, Q, K) are worth zero, and Aces are worth 1 point. Players calculate their score by taking the sum of all cards modulo 10  , meaning that after adding the value of the cards the tens digit is ignored. For example, a hand consisting of 2 and 3 is worth 5 (2+3=5). A hand consisting of 6 and 7 is worth 3 (6+7=13 or 3) the first digit is dropped because the total is higher than 9. A hand consisting of 4 and 6 is worth zero, or Baccarat (4+6 = 10 or 0). The name “Baccarat” is unusual in that the game is named after the worst hand, worth 0. The highest score that can be achieved is 9 (from a 4 and 5, 10 and 9, or A and 8, etc).” That be that, then it’s just a matter of straight forward odds. Could be fun; I’ll suggest we play a few hands next Tuesday at the hold em game.

List of Locations: After falling into the background in the last film, elegant locations are back in the limelight, I suspect this is thanks to Young returning to the helm. He milks these exotic beautiful places for all their worth and at moments, like during the nighttime parade in Nassau, the locations come alive and simply sing. The opening sequence takes place at the Chateau d’Anet in Anet France which features an impossibly beautiful room that gets trashed when Bond and #6 grapple mono a mono. SPECTRE operates out of Paris and MI6 is of course in London. (what does this say about Anglo/ French relations?) After getting wacked with a poker, Bond recovers at the Shrubland Health Club in St. Peters England. For some reason, the hallways in this location struck me, they just looked so 1965. Most of the action happens in the capital city of Nassau and other locations on and around the Bahamas. The underwater stuff is stunning and little details like the Kiss Kiss Club, waterfront hotels and Largo’s amazing compound contribute to the overall feel of the film in classic Bond fashion. No offence to our northern neighbors, but thank God 007 didn’t end up at Station “C” Canada.

Bonds Special Abilities Displayed: Right off the bat Bond pilots a jetpack. If I ever even got one on my back, I assume I’d burn my legs off before I left the ground. Bond clearly got certified in SCUBA for this adventure and that included the lesson in underwater screwing. Bond also proved himself to be expert marksmen who can heal wounds in a bar sink. The guy is a machine.

Thoughts on Film: For the second flick in a row, nuclear bombs are the thing which is incredibly 1965.  In fact, the entire film just feels very 1960’s, which is the golden time for Bond, at least, this version of Bond. At a time when grade school students were forced to hide under their desks during air raid drills, nukes were at the front of everyone’s mind. But unlike Goldfinger, this time the two warheads are treated with the seriousness and gravity they deserve. Not to say there isn’t humor (in fact, there are many funny moments) but the silliness is gone. For as straight forward as the plot is, the first act is a bit muddied and uneven but once the film settles down in Nassau Thunderball plays as classic 1960’s Bond. It’s got the locations, the girls, some gambling, some gadgets, a great villain and the super cool 007 at the center of it all. I love when Bond is vulnerable and not bullet proof and he actually gets shot and needs to limp his way through a massive street parade in a scene that ups the stakes and really gets the ball rolling. The action builds from this point bringing the audience on a climb up similar to what Young did in his previous Bond film, From Russia With Love. Young also once again uses little moments and details to add to the over all emotion. There is genuine tension when Largo captures Domino, there is beauty and foreboding in the shot of a dozen parachutes descending on the clear Caribbean water, and the underwater battle is simply breathtaking to watch. The film just keeps unspooling faster and faster until the final battle takes place on Largo’s boat as it skims across the ocean. The crazy hand to hand combat is shot and edited in a “jerky cam/ jump cut” style that would become a staple 30 years later. Here it’s fresh and exciting, allowing the audience to feel the force with which everyone is getting tossed around the bridge while the boat careens out of control on the open water. By the time Bond is pulled into the air, a truly rock star exit, I was literally on the edge of my couch. Thunderball doesn’t have as many memorable “Bond” moments as Goldfinger, and it stumbles out of the gate, but out of the four flicks so far, I think it maybe, along with From Russia With Love, my favorite Bond film yet.

Martini ratings: